witness to the truth


i know i’m a piece of shit.  but aren’t we all.  of course most people won’t admit it or even see it…

I’m also born of elohim,  come here to stand guard.  it took me 25+yrz to figure that out…and just as long to admit it.

love yourself. i mean truly love yourself. it took me almost 2 million yrz to love the person inside of me.

please don’t take as long as I’ve taken… time is short.

dare to know you.

original image by Troythulu@



the good, the bad, and the now


it is said that nothing is good or bad except that thinking makes it so…

but what about feeling… where does feeling come in?

well,  inevitably the feeling will eventually follow the thought…

and when the mind becomes so well trained as to hold the thought unwaveringly upon the objective…

then, and only then, do we have instantaneous manifestation.

original image by Troythulu@



over the rainbow


somedays are better than others. everyday is another chance to smile through the despair because no matter how tough it seems to be it won’t always be the same. change will inevitably come. therefore i will make this next change worth the effort of surviving.



veteran of heartache


obviously i must be making up for a shit load of bad karma.  even my own mother doesn’t like me.

whatever the case may be i’m okay with it. I’ve been here far longer than i expected to be.

i won’t ever say goodbye. I’ll just smile and carry on…

someday i will find true love. do you know how i know?

cause i will never give up.  no matter what… i will carry on and i will be loved.



splendor in the image


very often i forget to be the child.  i forget to hold the father’s hand. i forget that i am elohim. i forget that i have a purpose. i forget to smile instead of frown…

do you know why?

because there is nobody to remind me…
except for god… who whispers.

whisper not,  dear father! crank ‘er up and be a rock star.. be our god of the screaming six shooter … you might like it.

and i could use the guidance.



works for me when i work it

how do you like me now??? do you know that i finally like me?


beaming time

i thought this was funny…

without a sense of humor there is no reasoning with your reality.


color my reality

to remember who i am must i forget all else? will i ever be what i must be? will i be with thee? will thou be with me?


think or know?

why so scared, haelrazor?


fire me awake


original image by Trouthulu

i confess.  I’m stunned at my own naivete. you’d think i was born yesterday.

i never suspected anything. not really. god would prompt me but i never got it. all this time i was being prepared for what’s happening right now. 

it seems everyone knows more than i do about this job I’m supposed to do. i’m sure my mind is exaggerating. it happens.  then again….

it would be nice if everyone would just spit it out already. i mean,  really…enough with the clandestine encryptions. this ain’t no riddle contest.

that’s so last century…let’s get real. please…



trench existence


silence and pathegorus


original image by Troythulu@

“words should only be used when they can make a difference”…

to live by that criteria is my goal.  a tough goal for the former kid labeled “too talkative”  and “can make friends with anyone”...

but how do i know when and if words will make a difference? 

my discipline is simple albeit nigh unto freaking impossible:

speak not unless spoken to…

ask three times before speaking first but only when necessary…

give out no personal information…

say nothing that an ascended master would not  say…

i think Buddha’s mindful speech includes the directive that every word should be qualified as a blessing to all life which is basically the same as speaking only as am ascended master would speak.

is there an easy button for this?



lions, tigers, and bears? OMG!


if i was as smart as this phone i’d be long gone by now. in fact, you wouldn’t even know i existed.

aren’t you glad i didn’t bail out? i know,  i know…there is plenty of argument to put me out of existence.

I’d be the first in line to pull the plug. dying is easy.  i’ve done it about a million times.

it’s learning to appreciate life and all of its  kick-ass lessons that takes practice. 

then you have to learn to get along with the humans!

tough job but somebody’s gotta do it.

your turn.  he he he he buckle up.



catch the cause


original image by Troythulu@iamthemirus

I’m an adept at damage control.  it may appear otherwise considering what a screwed up life i lead.

however, the fact that i am alive (and still kicking) is proof enough of my ability to survive the fallout.

now i see why establishing a secured perimeter is essential if one wishes to avoid the need for damage control.

with damage control there is still damage.  prevention is highly recommended.

nothing prevents like the sacred fire power of the great command.

burn,  baby, burn…



jus’ get ‘er done


it doesn’t matter if they like me or not. i have to do the job regardless.

years of training has prepared me to let go of everything that is useless to the cause.

all my failures have been but preparation for each failure has contained an invaluable lesson.

do thou,  dear father,  see to it that i utilize each lesson to the fullest extent -thus making the education worth the high cost.



white nights and black days


many years ago lord Charles gave me what i considered to be a huge compliment.  he said that i didn’t need anyone. this is a good thing… or so i thought. 

now i wish i had someone.  someone who truly wanted to be with me. with or without my wealth. i have learned that pride  makes a lousy partner. it is better to share the dream.



strive for truth


if anything in this world is true then it would have to be the unmitigated reality of you.  no one can survive for you so why compromise your true self to please a world that will not strive to please you unless you give it what it needs most…the truth.  what is your truth?  who do you serve? for what purpose and why?


be free, be true


original image by Troythulu@iamthemirus

gratitude is my best friend.  without gratitude I’d probably be dead.  it’s awesome to note how easy it is to generate the feeling of sheer gratitude in the midst of conditions that appear
troublesome.. . 

and it works better than a charm.  i kid you not. never,  not even once,  has gratitude failed to level tbe playing field.
i need to work on gratitude more often…starting with right now.  thank you for being you. thank you for the rare loyalty through which you have blessed my life.


moving forward


i am happy to be me.  i have much for which to be grateful. i am especially grateful for the precious girl i call daughter. may god give me the strength, determination, and drive to do right by her. even unto the end. if i achieve naught else i will  have achieved honor by serving well the needs of my daughter. image

haelrazor city


THE CALL: do thou, dear father,  take the helm.  when i forget my goal strike me thru with the sacred fire illumination that reveals the answer i need to keep as my beacon. if i must take to the streets alone then do thou fortify this outer self to be unmoved by every appearance. fill me with your fiery christ purity and grace that never falters no matter how much i must face and transform. make me fearless.  keep me humble. i love thee.  i bless thee.  i thank thee.  i am with thee always that i am, haelrazor



for crying out loud

Snapshot_20130826_2THE CALL; so what is the key, dear father, to getting past this curve? how do i move forward from this lonely illusion? i know, i know…
“keep my attention off the appearance world. put myself into mental lock-down when necessary”.
but is there something more to alleviate the strain? can you give me some comfort? please show me the way to a clear mind and a heart that holds nothing but that which is thy plan fulfilled.

THE ANSWER: be silent, child. hold thy tongue by the will of elohim. fear not the appearance but dwell within the realm that keeps the balance. turn away from the appearance. turn away as if it were a poisonous, coiled serpent. turn away and seek comfort in the sacred fire. do not ask for help from the humans but love them without want. seek not to find a solution in their ways of the past. no one will help thee unless they be led by the holy spirit, seek comfort only from the one whom thou dost serve. be true to his word. be true to your divine purpose…become the answer you seek. 

original image by Troythulu@

the killing


why so unforgiving


i really try to do right.  typically i fail.  or shall i say i fall short of my own criteria. 

i can forgive others as easy as breathing.  I wish someone would do the same for me.

or for anyone really…

why so unforgiving?

i know why… because most people don’t know that they have an alternative.

or they allow their ego to hold sway and refuse to become the alternative.

the hardness of vengeance is their shield.

the sacred fire is my shield.

sacred fire does not answer to the human will.

a divided will is the wheel upon which one is broken.

i know this from long and hard experience.  may your experience be far less brutal than my own.

may i have all that i require to forgive your vengeance against me.

may you be free from suffering so that i may become the forgiven.



the drill


somedays it feels like I’m being driven to the edge.  like the image from Pantera’s Far Beyond Driven… the drill keeps driving.

that’s ok. i ain’t complaining… just explaining.  i may partake of stupid but i ain’t stupid thru and thru…

i know damn well that I’m not crazy. you only hope that I’m smarter than i look….and act.

but if you keep holding to the idea that I’m gonna screw it all up then that would make you an accomplice. 

if i can see all of you doing right then what’s so hard bout all of you returning the favor?

who has the tougher job?  put yourself where i stand.  imagine that.

personally I’d be ok with your end of the bargain. then again,  I’m ok with this end too…. 

thank you for pushing me to improve. i couldn’t do it without you.  be good to all.  may all be good to you.



smile thru the despair


thou shalt not covet

i used to envy people who had passed thru the change called death
don’t get me wrong…i was never suicidal
 i’ve always known that suicide just makes it worse
 you have to come back and go thru the same shit all over again
no thank you
once is plenty for me
i used to envy the departed
because i figured they were going to the place that i call home
there is no one in this world who knows me
i have over stayed my welcome
i can’t leave until the job is finished
i can’t leave until my father says well done
that’s all i want
there is nothing left to covet
i am ready

working for the fix


the open door


the knight


i love the night hours
i can think more clearly
i can dance in the middle of street
i can watch them watch me
 we all pretend to be up to nothing
i love the night hours
the night hours love me

perceptional existence


original image by Troythulu@

my friend Troy is keeping me grounded. this is important especially during extraordinary shifts in one’s life experience. 

today i realized how often i allow the wrong details to dominate my consciousness. whether they are real or imagined is irrelevant.

i am here for one purpose and that purpose is to be an example of the worth of my convictions.

my convictions are worthless unless i can prove their value.  i can’t prove their worth unless i become the embodiment of every conviction i declare to be the truth.

this is going to take some guts.  thank you,  Troy.  you are a Prince, and if i may dare, a mighty fine Pleiadian too. ★♥★


it’s a good day


everyone just wants to belong to someone who truly loves them and whom they truly love.

we all want to live in an ever intensifying electro-magnetic current.

we all have different methods and concepts regarding our quest for the never ending sense of comfort and joy.

challenges are great.  change is great.

but only if they produce the manifestation of what we seek.

may this be the day we find what we seek.

may today bring comfort and joy in the experience of your choice.


the word of elohim

This gallery contains 1 photo.

if i would make all things right then i must feel that all things are right… even as the appearance world screams as the wail of banshee. even as you hate me so do i love you. even as you … Continue reading


be specific


when i used to imagine the perfect romance i left out some very important details.

i forgot to think beyond the initial thrall and drama.  for some reason i never got to the ever after. 

my one true love would be like me but a polar opposite acting in accordance with the scenario of the day.

i want a tough man. tougher than me.  that would be akin to godzilla times three.

I want him to read me like i read others. no one has to tell me what you’re feeling.  it’s obvious. i want to be known… and not in the biblical sense alone.

i want him to be man enough to kick my ass (metaphorically) if i need it… before he’s ready to kill me.

yes, I’m a shrew but only when i don’t feel loved by the one who should love me above all others save god.

i will build the vision and the one,  my true love, will come… in more ways than i ever before imagined.



to be the reality of you


there are many who question my stand.  none more so than myself.  i do not assume i am right. 

i am no longer afraid to speak the truth. this is no small feat.  we are raised to lie. 

people lie to defend themselves.  or at least that was my excuse. judgment kills. more than aught else.

thought feeling and spoken word are the only creative powers in the universe.

take heed to how you use that power.  imagine how you’d like to receive what you send forth. 

it’s worth the effort to think twice. three times is even better.  it could save a life.  it could change your life.


as i am


tis true… I’ve become a hardass. survival can do that to you.  yet still i forgive everyone…

except for one…

romance doesn’t work well with my line of work. then again sacrifice has been a prerequisite from day one.

But sacrifice is futile if you find yourself remaining empty long after the sacrifice.  so we are rewriting the rules.

rules are useless if no one can abide by them.  we can have fun and be good too.

Didn’t you know that god created sex,  drugs,  and rock n roll?

god is ALL and he is looking for the right way to live… without boundaries.

o’yes. god is the devil and vice versa. like it or not. there is nothing outside of the creator.


going 123 going forth….


everyone knows what i need to do.  everyone is ready.  so am i. 

i have to allow him to be himself.  i have to allow this first of all by not allowing the hatred to take hold again.

we have hurt each other immeasurably.  i am more guilty than he is because I’m the first contender.

nevertheless it doesn’t make me feel better to know that he’s only given as good as I’ve given.  especially considering the circumstances…

i can only make it better by releasing the past,  forgetting the sorrow and holding to the law of forgiveness. 

i must hold the vision of what i desire to manifest.  i undermine myself everytime i see or feel anything less.

great presence of life within!  take charge!  it’s your job to keep me on track!  i can’t do this without you.  i can’t do this alone.  i’ve already proven that,  have i not?


all for one cause


when one dies there is a moment when one’s entire life culminates into one all-pervasive thought.

if i could have the power to chose that thought i would hold the vision of the open door-never again to be closed on any planet in any universe…

and through this door would come the bride, the father’s wife. mother of all creation.

father work be pleased for at last he would know his own true love.

i fancy that this is the primary reason for our existence…

to build the the prototype for the left eye of god…the infinite wo-man.


the job


i am an alchemist.  plain and simple. my ability is focused on the transformation of spirit.

there is no mystery to this job.  mystery has become harmful. it’s time to hear the voice of god without all the confounded riddles.

it’s tough enough to make the grade even with clear direction.  therefore we will consume the mist so that the tree of knowledge can be seen by one and all.

we have earned it.  we’ll call it ‘time served’ or whatever you prefer. 

the fruit is ripe. take your fill with care to be not selfish; remembering always to be kind...

you serve life for your own freedom.


drawing the line

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drawing a line is an important matter.  we cannot back away from that line once it has been drawn.  if we back away we lose footing as well as respect.  since people aren’t natural born respect machines then getting respect can be a tough job.  keeping respect is even tougher.  some people don’t care if you like them or not. but some of those same people will literally will kill you if you don’t respect them.  and i can see why. 



fear no evil


the only evil i fear is the evil within.

humans like to blame the devil.

humans are the devil.

we become satan the moment we cease to love each other as Jesus loved us.

be honest…

fear not thyself.  conquer thyself.



the leap and the change

i’m sorry to have taken such a long hiatus.
the days fly by like lightning.
my daughter said that today was strange.
looks like she’s finally starting to notice the change.
i bet she isn’t the only one.
have you taken your leap of faith yet?
today is a good day don’t you think?
original image by Troythulu or



dare to be the truth

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have you ever noticed how often we lie? look closely…

how often do we really say exactly what is in our hearts?

Don’t we filter and twist everything we say for one reason or another?

we change what our hearts say to be acceptable, or to elicit a desired response…

upon closer examination we can see that our motive for lying is always based on doubt and. fear.

sometimes we have to dig down to the very roots to realize this truth.

i avoid hurting people’s feelings…

i avoid making people angry…


i doubt my authority as a co-creator..

and i am afraid to allow my higher self, the great I AM who always knows the right thing to say, to take charge of this outer self.


because i fear to be rejected by the humans…

who in the end will reject me no matter what i say or do until they find their own truth.

and i doubt that the presence of life will be there for me when no else cares to stand with me…

but life has proven itself to me again and again. 

so l release this doubt and fear because it no longer serves me.

i allow others to be themselves.  i have the right to be myself…

t’s called free will with which God himself will not interfere.





my daughter says I’ve become hardened.

well i can tell you i didn’t get there all by my lonesome.

not that i mind.  i rather like the bitch within. 

or the inner bitch as david jones once called it.

but there is a balance to be maintained. 

so if you see in black and white the grey zone must hold it’s own. 

that’s where wisdom comes in.  but wisdom typically comes thru experience.

unless you’re one of the smart ones who actually listen when the teacher speaks.


your prayer

i danced in a park today. i have been told to go forth and give my service. i don’t like the idea. what if someone makes fun of me? what if i screw up and make a fool of myself?
well, i’ve already made a fool of myself. and so what if someone laughs at me? or makes an obnoxious remark…
am i made of glass? performing is easy. putting my ideology out there for the world to mock and criticize is not so easy. not for me.
people in new york perform in the streets. i hear that new yorkers have thick skin. maybe it’s time for california to catch up to new york…
did i ever tell you that i i ;plan to go  to the big apple, but not until i hit every state in the union.
yeah, yeah, dream on, haelrazor.

may the force be with us

original image by

life is full of surprises.
it is also full of instinctive moves that at first may not make sense.
when i started following Troythulu’s blog i did so because of his sense of humor.
i love a rapier wit.
as i became  acquainted with him i discovered a kindred spirit.
it doesn’t matter that our ideologies appear to be opposite.
Troythulu, thru his awesome fractals, provides me with the clarified vision i need…
the vision i need to pursue the unbelievable.
yes, life is full of surprises.
thank you, Troythulu.
you make me feel better, do better, see better, …
you bring me closer to what i seek.
thru your visionary art…
i see the solution to every problem.
now there is only one thing left to do…
prove it.
you inspire me to continue.
thank you, Troythulu.



the value of life


as you see me…so shall i be


 The way you see people is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they become.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
original image by


true love

original image by


the need

original image by



please stop


i did this to myself.  i did it to stop the pain.  physical pain is nothing compared to emotional pain.

there are times when I’d like to pull the plug on the bitch that has not yet learned to obey.

i talked to god about it.  he listens.  no one else hears me. he will answer with a solution.  he always answers my calls.

i hold the vision.  i keep it steady.  if i am wrong then i will continue.  i will always continue. I am to be continued forever.

life never ceases to exist. it is just energy and energy doesn’t discriminate.  that’s my job.  and a full time job it is…you can bet your life on that.

hey, boss, can i get paid cash today?  I’m outta oreos. thank you. thank you very much.



a holiday-who-be-wha-tee?


i find it comical to see how often i revert to the jim carrey in me. 

i find it devastating to see how maniacally bi-polar i have become.

why did i care so much about other people’s opinions?  why did i wait until the end of days to get myself right?

i never met anyone who was in the same mode of thought as myself.  no one has ever truly understood my view point. 

every person i have ever known has pushed and pulled me where i told them i couldn’t go.

now i am condemned for not doing a better job of making it easier on everyone. typical. 

thank you.  thank you,  very much. i needed that.  obviously.



night and day are equal


i don’t trust.  i must always trust.

i see evil everywhere.  i see no evil.

you are death.  you are life.

we are individual.  we are indivisible.

silence is not the way of the American. i am silence. i am American.

what say you? are you red, white, and blue???

even as a red alone i love you for i am one with all… i am the reign-bow.

if it rains blood i know that all is well for the blood is the life.

life is what we all seek no matter what path we choose along the way to the destination.



crazy or not…run it.


in case you haven’t noticed i have finally gotten over my fear of being labeled ‘nutcase’.  now i just need to figure out which part of my consciousness deserves recognition.

i remember now… 

an appearance of anything less than the fulfillment of the great plan of infinite creation should be immediately kicked to the curb. 

now that sounds crazy.  works for me.  now let’s see if i can work it. i feel a dance coming on…


Indomitable by James Fielden


in the beginning

original image by Troythulu@
i love this image. it epitomizes every sublime thought and feeling that drives me to do whatever is necessary to make a lasting difference. it is the outer expression of my thrust for existence. it is bold. it is somewhat hard. yet it is pure. it is innocent and wise. it is heaven and hell in perfect harmony. yet it is still evolving into something  that the imagination can only barely imagine.

love all that all may live

i need you to speak to me the truth of your heart. i need you to be unto me as i am unto you. if i screw up, tell me that i screwed up, but please don’t wait until you are ready to kill me. it’s hard to be good without guidance.

silence me


day and night the devil lived


It’s hard getting used to the derision.  i thought i was a likeable person. 

thank god I’ve gotten over that ignorant assumption.

now i know i’m an arrogant hot dog dirt bag jesus wanna be. but who hasn’t dreamed of being the greatest?

being the greatest doesn’t mean to be better than others.  it means to become the fullest expression of what you have to offer…

are you living up to your full potential?  if so,  then you are the greatest expression of your true self in action.

but don’t get stuck on satisfied.  there is always going to be room for evolution. always.



grace be with you


i want to cry and savor the intensity of the experience…
that would be naught but selfish intent for how would that bless others?
my heart has broken so often since that fateful day in feb when sonnie pulled the trigger.
i never would have imagined such a parade of change…
by the way did you know that Able drew first blood?  Cane only killed him for the pain of being betrayed by the brother he would have died to protect.
a foul temper doth make one appear to be wholly foul even if you be in all other aspects perfect.
isn’t it odd the way things work?  nothing is as it appears it would seem. and all things change.
be then the master of every change.


A Prayer For The Wounded by jamesfielden on SoundCloud

thank you,  James.



empty love to fill with love- no more sorrow


Peace be with you for life.  be happy.  be free.  be the man of god you desire to become.  and remember no matter what i will always love you and i will always be with you.

the release



no stranger to the threshold


i have to take a closer look at this image.  its hard to see everything on this phone. sometimes i think i get to trippin a bit but other times i know i am seeing the truth. how do i know difference ? well, i just turn on the light and get a better look.  then i use my brain and my heart (what’s left of them)  and i find the answer that servres a purpose yet makes enough sense to stand the test of time…

time spent in the storm. if it doesn’t hold up in the storm then forget about it. fair weather proof is only half the picture.



gutting out the perfect storm


i confess…i do not appreciate getting my ass kicked.  it sucks.

i was recently asked if i was in an abusive relationship.  isn’t everybody? 

i never knew any manner of relationship that didn’t include some form of abuse. usually the abuse is emotional.

personally i would rather take a physical beating. but i guess what doesn’t kill ya builds ya. 

but what happens when you’ve been built enough to withstand any storm…?

I’m thinking we could reinvent the perfect storm…

tame it, ride  it. become the eye and drive it.

original image by


super beam me


here we have these beams of light and energy…

are they good? are they bad?  are they from outer space? signs of an alien invasion? or are they just a figment of my insane imagination?

from what i gather the answer would be ‘ all of the above’…

when properly understood,  will these rays produce whatsoever we desire, require,  or imagine..?

they say thoughts and feelings manifest almost instantly in the fourth dimensionif so, then, i guess we better be careful with the ol ‘imagination mojo. cause we’ll be hitting fourth gear just about now.  

may the force be with us.



the integrity of being


a dear friend of mine taught me a valuable lesson today. she and i have an understanding that we have forgotten, remembered, and forgotten…

but for her presence in my life i don’t think i would have made it this far.

oops. a little fib slipped out..

i know i would not have made it this far. she validated me when no one else could. she is my hard-line shining star. that she is…

i must also thank my earth father, lord charles. you’ve heard of him i’m sure. he’s the one who gathers all hearts to the one ‘promise’. the impossible promise. the promise that you can’t refuse…as he reaches into your heart you can’t help but say it…

‘i promise you that i will never die’

the promise works. i am living proof of the promise in action. in fact, many have seen it’s almighty power. but we doubt ourselves.

‘did i imagine that?’

‘it couldn’t be!’

‘am i nuts?

it seems to be the consensus  in my family that i’m in need of a padded cell. even my dad questions my sanity.  my dad-of all people!  can you believe that? the guy who built pyramid 333, the guy everyone has called nuts  (as it turns out he is right on target)….even he thinks i’m off my rocker…

you don’t know how frequently i question myself. but it always comes back to the same answer…

i  can’t back down and you wanna know why? because god told me to stand my ground.  god has never lied to me. he has never once turned his back on me.he told me well in advance what i’d have to face. he always does…

but for some reason it is always much easier said than done.

lord charles told me i shouldn’t write about our personal issues but this is my issue, my life, my experience. it’s time i take the helm of my world and move on down the line.

14 years ago i made the mistake of coming back here after god specifically told me that i could make it on my own. everyone suffered from that blunder o’mine. another clean up… story of my life…

i am grateful for everyday that i have been blessed by your company. peace be with you at all times for life.



do you love me?


do you think i’m dramatic??? nevermind. i know the answer. of course i’m dramatic. i’m living out life’s drama/comedy/action flick. or maybe ‘clandestine’ is a better word than ‘action’ for my recent experiences.

clandestine is kind of boring and way too dramatic. i guess that’s what finally got to pat. all the secrecy. everybody wants a peek inside.

well, you know, old habits die hard. the greatest of life’s treasures have always been hidden away. actually i never agreed with that either.

you want to know something else? why is it that people hide their habits, their follies, their hearts, and their mud, blood and tear streaked faces behind facades that only serve to deceive…even when meant to represent the truth?

it is for fear and doubt, of course. we fear to be judged, condemned, ridiculed, or scorned. or worse. more than anything we fear to be dismissed. we all doubt that we will be truly loved.  typically humans don’t offer real love to each other.

have you truly loved someone today? start by truly, honestly loving yourself. love who you are because you are beautiful. and i would know.

i have always seen you. i have seen you in the light and i have seen you in the  dark. i love you at all times for life. no matter what.

original image by


speak locomotive speak: rattle the cell

finally i feel almost nothing. i love it. like a robot. that’s not to say i don’t cry or get mad anymore. but it’s not so powerful and seems quite distant at times, like i’m just doing it from habit rather than heart.

i was told that i don’t have a heart. thank god. humans only break hearts. i’m done with broken. no more broken promises.  i will honor and respect you. respect me or be erased from my life.

original image by Troythulu@


far beyond driven


what in god’s name did i do to deserve such an insane method of extermination?
i guess i must be blinded to my own bad, bad self. right now i feel so selfish and petty. i have nothing good to say.
gotta rise above it. people will never be there to help me until i do what i promised to do. so i will find the door….no  matter what.
if i disappear from existence at least i won’t have to feel like this again.
i am a freak. works for me. i am happy to be able…
and i thank you for all you do. i am truly happy to be at your service.

bumps in the road? see a launch pad….


I love this job.  People hate me.  Occasionally they might like me but typically not for long especially now that i have no more tolerance for kissing ass. i’m just lousy at playing the ‘it’s all good’ game when it’s anything but good.
Oops!!! there I go thinking of dear ol’mom again. god bless her hateful heart. she was in on the scheme to have me whacked. did you know that? of course you did…
‘Just love her’ I hear you say.  Yeah, yeah, I get it already. love mother. love mother dearest for she is the dearest mother i’ve had yet. sad but true that. love mother. uh-huh. love mother. uh huh. love mother ok. got it. check. 
Never am I understood. the more I reveal my true self the less I make sense to this old sick in the head senseless world.
Do you think it will ever get any better? will it, mother??? will it ever get better??? i love you with all my heart! i always have and i always will, as god is my witness i speak the truth…now give me a fucking answer!!!
‘Yes,  yes’,  I hear her whisper.  ‘Yes, yes’, I answer. there is an echo. it is forgiveness-the most powerful weapon of defense ever known. 
Yes, yes!!! it will get better. yes, it will. I am living out my own past creation at this very moment. All I have to do is change the appearance by the vision consciously and continuously projected in the place of the appearance.  Simple, simple, k.i.s.s. (keep it simple stupid)
wow! do you think that i may have finally graduated from playing it stupid??? time will tell. it always does. but you know time is running out…
Become the great command in action. become the great command that sets all life free. try it out. try me for i am elohim born. i bring you my soul. try it on and see what i mean. 
Know it.  Feel it.  Be it.  Do it. Prove it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Command life in the name of elohim love, wisdom and power and watch life jump as high as you can imagine. 

i am the night..the day am i

wpid-IMG_20130627_172300.jpgAlways the tough guy, starting up a fight.  You are the most miserable being on this planet and still you do nothing to better your situation.  Oh I know, I know…you got yourself fooled again.  That makes two of us. you still think you can win it all for the dark side and I believe that i will  find love and acceptance on this planet…

But without the light how are you going to appreciate the darkness? Without the darkness how can one appreciate the light? we are one. like it or not. all appearances aside…the game is over. take a bow and shine like the star you have become, little brother. 


Deliver Us From Evil

i have no idea what you will think of this video. i do not want to share it but i keep getting the prompting to do so. i listen to the voice of god. i have heard his voice since i was seventeen. now i am told that i am completely insane. i will let you decide. i did not edit this video. i really don’t want you to see it as it shows how imperfectly formed i am and i am vain. this is my weakness. one of my many. all i do i do for love. may the light of god that never fails protect you always. i love you at all times for life.

Do the Right Thing, Rambo Woman

A young fella named Timothy used to call me Rambo woman. I love Rambo. I relate to Rambo. If only I could be as good as Rambo. Rambo is the quintessential misunderstood loner. He will do anything to help someone for the right reason. Rambo is a sucker with a punch like no other. He does what’s right just because it”s right. He gives his heart, mind, and soul to the cause. He asks for nothing in return. Rambo exists only to serve a greater cause…

Is that even possible…??? Or is it just another Hollywood bull-shit-o-rama-who-thought-of-this-crap-a-looza?  You decide. I have a mission to accomplish. Code name: survival


We Are All One


Well, if everyone is right then I must be wrong. Or am I? Have you ever seen the movie ‘Ransom’ with Mel Gibson? Everyone, including his wife, said he was wrong. But he wasn’t. His instincts saved the life of his child. All my life I have listened to other people. Now I will find out if I really am hearing the voice of god. Or if I’m just totally full of shit like everyone says. Time will tell. It always does.


Be Answered

it’s been a while since i put up a post. i’ve been letting go of everything i have ever wanted. little by little i’m letting go. when the blade goes to the bone you find out who you are from deep inside. this is where you find out what you are made of.  you discover what really matters and how to make the most of every moment. i recorded this on a very windy night. it touched me when i watched it so i thought it might touch you also. this is the beginning of a new journey for me. it is the becoming…the becoming of me into the person i was always meant to be. may you become your true self also. may you become all you have ever dreamed of becoming. may your every call be answered.

Render Unto the Father

well, now I’ve done it. I wrote the truth. maybe not the whole truth but way too much truth according to some…

I will hang from the gallows if they have their way. wouldn’t bother me but for my kid. for her I stand when I can’t find any other reason to stand. why? because she saved my life when no one else could have.

my father, charles, is hurt or pissed or both. I wrote about him in one of my posts. this was the only place where I had yet to be told that i was out of line. I’ve been told that since forever. I may as well just get used to being labeled ‘bitch’. straight up. it’s good for the character i reckon.

charles is the greatest teacher I have ever had. great teachers are usually great big characters with egos to match. but charles is special. I knew how special he was even before he knew it. i respect my father beyond any other person i’ve ever met. I always have. more so now than ever.

I wonder when will I graduate from this school of ‘stand down, you traitorous villain’…

my father used to say that I would have been hung like a traitor if I had lived in the days of the gallows. works for me. don’t care much for this world anyway. but I shall trudge on and finish the job. I will finish what I started. for the daughter, the father, the mothers and the neglected boyfriend. for them I will be strong.

if I should go down to my last breath I know that I will do what has never been done. i will be the guard. i am come to reverse the centuries old curse. whatever it takes I will turn it around before the long train hits town.

let them stone me, kick me, shoot me, cut me into pieces, raise me from death and do it 1000 times more. they would do it just for the hell of it. we love torture around here. it’s good for the character.

to the end I will be the guard. a flaming shield that will stop what would kill again. hell hath fury only when it is left without hope. hope is all I have left. this hope I give unto you, Lord Charles, for you have always given me the toughest lessons. the lessons I needed the most. by your hand i am the strongest soldier you have. you know it’s true.

for you, charles, I will face the fury of hell. even unto the end. it has begun. at last the end is at hand. finally. ready, set, i will take every blow like a man. i am the guard that i am.

here comes the father, here comes the son, the first lord of the new day is ready to roll away the stone. this is it. suit up for the blaze. time to play the song to which the children will dance along…the long train comes for those wings of light, father. you promised.

it comes to the kingdom that rises from this your land. this land of yours is my last home on earth. but only until i leave this world. it won’t be long now. can you hear the whistle blow? the long train is coming home. it’s coming home to you, Lord Charles.

Snapshot 17 (10-21-2012 3-56 AM)


Stand Down, Shut Up, Be Free


here I am out in the open fields of my wonderful ‘even better than colonel’s house’ prayer room…

I have this feeling that I’m not supposed to be here. that I should be doing something else. anything else. but what?

well, anything that keeps me away from doing what I need to be doing by being right here where I belong where i perform the rite of spring.

it’s not that I intend to be here all day. but I need to start the day right. I’ve worked non-stop since I got here. I work to get settled, I work to make money, I work for what is necessary. i work for everyone that i love. it’s not like I’m lazy ass bum…far from it.

nevertheless, roxie is mad at me again. that’s my mom, ‘roxie’. she loves me but she doesn’t like me either. she criticizes me with a vengeance.

I make no effort to please her except by the will of god. I listen to the voice of source. for the first time in my life I have been obedient to that voice. naturally roxie is pissed. she’s not used to that. i usually bow by now.

I questioned myself. maybe I’m wrong. second guessing myself is second nature. finally I asked god about it. he said to stand strong. he said that anyone who would truly know me would not be angry with me.

I agree. I just want to make sure I’m doing what’s right. you see, this is what has always taken me down. in the past I would have tried to do something, anything, to make my mom see that I’m not a worthless piece of shit.

many, many times have I turned my back on the voice of god to please a human.  I have wasted my entire life trying to win the love, respect, and acceptance of the humanity on this planet. with that I am finished.

I ain’t selling out ever again. never. I know someday my mother will see the light. I know that with all  my heart. but not if I bow down and give in to the darkness that controls her like a puppet. this darkness that makes her view me with darkened understanding. enough already.

by god I know who I am. I will stand firm. like the rock of gibraltar. no matter what. I will do what I must. I will be there for my mother when the darkness comes again. I will live my life as god intends. I will stand strong and face the devil that dares to oppress the freedom to be.

satan, oh, satan. you  have no power. you have no power except the power that I give to you. so stand down, you little tyrant and shut the fuck up . I am master of my world. your days of leading the charge are over.

would thou be free? would thou be free by the light of god that sets all life free? would you be free, satan? what would you give for real freedom? would you surrender your hatred of everything in existence? think on it.

know me as I am. know me now. I am the light of god that never fails. by that light which I serve know that I AM the power that sets all life free. I will not fail you again, satan. you will be free. free from hell. free from all evil. believe it.


The Long Train Back Home

here i sit under the railroad tracks by the reeds and the beaver’s dam. it is like heaven after the stress that I felt earlier today. I couldn’t find anything, every possession is lost in the shuffle. my world is turned on it’s head. so julio and i went down to the tracks. we wait for the clickety clack. now i can relax.

my mother, truly tho i love her, must have an energizer battery in her vocal box. she won’t stop talking, talking, talking. and unlike everyone else, she actually notices when i’m not listening. which is rare if you think about it but she is a rare bird. the great and terrible. this is mi madre, ‘the roxie’.

the lost at sea, aka my immediate family and i, had dinner with the roxie last. I sat in the kitchen by myself. everyone else sat in the living room watching what sounded like a soap opera. in the past I would have joined in just to placate my mother. now I placate no one. i just can’t do it anymore. someday she will understand.

I haven’t watched tv for over a year. I don’t see the point. for me it’s a waste of time. I’ve wasted too much time already. my attention needs to be focused on the light. on my service to the earth. at first my boyfriend didn’t understand either. it took a lot of strength to disappoint him but i told him in the beginning how it would be. i did warn him. little by little he’s learned to accept me.

for the first time ever i chose to do what my mother would not understand without being totally pissed off. i have courage. who knew? but roxie will think i have a reason quite different from my spiritual work. she won’t comprehend it. not yet. tv has been her god for as long as i can remember. i’m cool with that. everyone should do as they please.

long ago i learned to suspend the human tendency to form opinions about other people’s choices. someday my mother will do the same. you’ll see. but for now I remain the ‘misunderstood one’.i understand what my mother doesn’t so i must do for her what she can’t yet for me or even for herself. i will give her what she needs.

you see, by remaining detached I won’t become vulnerable so I  won’t react negatively when she directs negative energy. it’s just a habit of hers. but I can hold a focus of light by remaining balanced in my feelings. eventually this will bring freedom from suffering by making it possible to remold the cause of the problem. i have to transform the layers of negative build-up by focusing on the points of light within the energy. this is alchemy at exit 333.

there she blows…how i love the sound. the train is going across the bridge now. clickety clack, clickety clack. I feel the awesome rush of wind and the mighty throb of power. I love the roar. oh how i love to hear the train roar past. something akin to fury but quite different. for some reason it seems peaceful and pleasant. a lullabye of sweet surrender. that’s it. I must surrender to the will of god. true surrender is unequivocal.

I know that many of you who read this blog are suffering also. this is a journey we will make together. we must love each other more than ever. love is the solvent that begins the alchemical process of setting life free from torment. nothing else matters but what we take with us when we leave this world. i am convinced that what i give unto others is the power of light that sets all life free. only time will tell. it’s worth the effort regardless.

to give unto others what i would have for myself is the call of my heart. i am serving life for my own freedom. what is your calling? it’s not necessary that we all be the same. in fact that would be very boring and redundant don’t you think? surrender to the call of your own beating heart. no matter what…be true to your own presence of life~the voice within that speaks to you. speaks the truth that makes you an individual~unique and splendid. you are god. be true to you. make your presence felt in this world. be that I AM. prove your worth. prove it to yourself first.

Freedom Is For Everyone


Taming the Kraken

Snapshot_201305013for some reason I feel like crying but I won’t because it would be a waste of energy. I  need to get to the bottom of this issue. I need to get a grip on the kraken within. I never thought the day would come when I’d be in this position. but nothing in this lifetime has turned out as planned.
well, that’s not entirely true. I just thought I’d have better a handle on it by now. I guess figured I’d be invincible. the plan has always been the same but the details are different from the original pattern. there have been numerous contingencies due to my daredevil attitude. I guess I like being a masochist. enough already.
I have to stay the course even as the dragons come out with the intent to devour my ass. I won’t get upset. I won’t get upset. I won’t get upset. no I won’t. don’t lose your temper, zorra. stay focused. turn to the presence of life within. ask for directions. you owe your first allegiance to god and  none other. remember this always.
everything depends on my ability to control my temper. everything depends on where I put my attention. how do I keep my cool? how will I ever be true to my vows? easier said than done is always the way of it. and why is that? nothing worth having is ever easy. who wrote these rules anyway??? they fucking suck. ok. whatever. I am grateful. in spite of it all, yes, I am grateful.
be still, thou kraken within, be still. know you not that I AM your master??? now shut up, sit down and count to 10 million. speak not from your ego but speak as i speak from within. feel not but that which you feel when we have become all-one for the one in all. be as I AM that others may know you also. Snapshot_20130501_32

Welcome Home Sanitarium

2010-05-12 004
well, I found my prayer room. only it’s not a room. it’s out in the rural prairie land that i once called home. it has been waiting for me since the day I left. this is the place where my daughter was conceived. this is the place where I first met death.
this land where i now sit is adjacent to the land that my parents own. my first love, my daughter’s father, is long gone. rumored to be dead. all houses burned to the ground in the last family war. this is my childhood stomping ground.
my parents are divorced. their 40 year marriage didn’t survive the last days of my grandmother’s tormented life. she lived in the mother-in-law house. it was built in 1999, the same year I became pregnant.
ironically, her house sits on the exact spot where my parents divided the land. they didn’t want to see each other more than necessary. less blood would be spilled this way or so they said. so why not just get away from each other?
my parents never wanted to sell the place. but neither was willing to let go. together they wrote the book on strangely stubborn eccentric behaviorism. mom holds the north end of the property. my dad mans the south.
my mother’s name is roxie. she has 500 cats. or something like that. my dad’s name is charles. he is very eccentric with a beautiful and spoiled new wife in tow. her name is blondie. he says she is worse than my mother. no comment from this corner.
I find myself trying to escape as much as possible. after my grandmother died I was given half of the mother-in-law house. I always did like that little house. it was cute and cozy. now its starting to decay.
for a while it was home to a pair of king snakes. then the rats took over. my parents ran off the snakes and exterminated the rats. sometimes my parents still work together. until blondie starts yelling about it.
roxie likes to yell too. she and blondie love swinging their battle axes around. they aim at me, my dad, and the cats. mom and blondie have a lot in common. they make for good target practice.
for some reason my dad has gone half crazy. people say that I’m just like him. I don’t know about that but I do like him. except when he’s being an asshole. but mostly he’s real cool. kind of out there tho. maybe I am like him after all…
so why did I come back here, to this place where the war never ends? I’m an idiot. but that’s’ not why I came back. they need me and I need a place to sleep. they think I’m about to go over the edge. they don’t know how many times I’ve come back from the edge…
as for roxie, charles and blondie…now they’re totally over the edge. so far gone they don’t even know where the edge went or that it even existed. then again, you never know. maybe I’m the one who’s totally lost. time will tell. it always does.
nevertheless, this is where I will perform the rite of spring…it’s necessary for the harvest to out manifest this season. I wonder if I will survive to see the harvest…
what a deal. thank you, god. thank you very much. here i am, back in hell again. yay me. welcome home, haelrazor. fasten your seatbelt. this ride has only just begun. it’s time to make all things right again. or so it has been said.
it’s time to do what’s never been done. it’s time to open the door. it’s time to take the hinges off. never again will this door be shut. it’s time to make heaven and hell all-one. all aboard. this is the long train back home. are you ready for it?

Snapshot 7 (6-3-2012 5-15 PM)


Fare Thee Well My Precious

2013-01-22 003I did it. i said goodbye. i stayed up all night while the wind howled like a banshee. spooky and familiar. i howled too. yes I did. at first the emptiness was almost unbearable. I cried until I felt nothing. then the peace came. it always comes…
everyone else had gone on ahead. there was still more work that waited to be done. more work than I’d figured. I wanted to leave the house clean. no trash or excess baggage. everything needed to be left in order. this was my closure.
I watched the sun rise from the east windows. I had washed those windows a week before. after the sunrise I washed the rest of the windows. as i was finishing up on the last window i had a revelation.
suddenly I understood why i had felt such devastation about leaving the house. my precious. my best friend.  my  home. all at once I knew what I needed to do. the time had come. i am a graduate. i  must now practice what i have learned.
it was in that house that I first began to learn to perform the rite of spring. in that house I bought my first ipod from in that house I became who I am now as opposed to what people thought I should be. in that house I found me.
I spent the darkest hours of my life in that house. that house became my companion. as the day of leaving drew closer I experienced involuntary flashes of memory. I wonder if that’s what it’s like when we die. a life flashing before our eyes….bittersweet, perfectly painful and worthy of remembrance.
I spoke to the house and then I remembered the colonel’s wife, Mary.  she died many years ago. long before I  moved into the house as a servant. she died before I could say goodbye. for her I served the colonel. for her I became a better person.
I was always amazed at being allowed to stay in that house for so long. against all the odds. it was seemed like a miracle and it was.  I am so grateful to all those who made it possible. I will never see that house again unless it be by the will of god.
all i need now is to remember…to remember to BE…to ALWAYS BE what I have become. I was given the chance to discover who I am. no matter what anyone thinks or says,  I am and i will always be the light of god that never fails.  you are that light also. remember?
It's Time To Ride

Dancing for the Devil

2010-07-04 004i’ve started to go outside to do my prayer dance. last week i had the strong feeling that i needed to set the routine of going outdoors when performing my daily rites. probably because of the move. i won’t have this prayer room after next weekend so i guess i’d better build the momentum right where i stand. which could be anywhere once i leave this place behind.
the wind is blowing like a banshee today. i don’t really mind the wind, in fact, i rather enjoy it. but right now it seems kind of ominous but that’s just me gettin’ the jitters. of course there is always the boogie man and dracula to watch for but they don’t scare me anymore than i scare myself.
i woke up yesterday to see satan standing by my bed. i suddenly knew why all of  this is happening. it’s not a bad thing. it’s a duality. it can go either way depending on the choices i make. satan has to work against me cuz that’s how he’s wired but deep down he knows that if i lose this battle then he loses this battle. that’s not an option. on this one count we  can agree.
i’v changed my attitude about the blood and guts of it all. i never liked blood and guts anyhow. life is not a battlefield. it’s how we feel about our challenge that creates the battle. so i’m going to learn to relax, take a deep breath and shake off the monkeys that think i’m their personal beast of burden. i ain’t nobody’s bitch. not even my own bitch. but first i have to silence the bitch within.
i’m doing this for everyone. especially satan. what i do for him i do for us all because he is our tormentor. we are his only hope.  so he won’t let up until we finish the job. did you know that satan is homeless? kind of sad. really sad. now i understand why he’s so unhappy. i’m going to do my best to make a difference. for satan, for you, for me, for everyone.
come rain or shine i will dance and sing the song of elohim right where i stand. it’s a good day to be strong and lighten the load. the road is waiting to take us back home. it’s been a long time coming. may we have the strength to carry on. may we have the grace to keep the attitude of gratitude even in midst of hell.

2010-08-12 001


O’Mother Where Art Thou Pt.2

it’s taken me my entire life to figure how to do what is that i must do if i would know peace before i leave this world. all i want is to know that i’ve done what needs to done.

when all  is said and done in a manner that’s the best i’ve ever done i will no longer be afraid of death. after all there is no such thing. i am determined. i will leave nothing unfinished.

i want to be absolutely certain that i won’t come back. i will not feel like i’ve felt in this life ever again. i’d rather not even exist. not for anything in the universe would i do this again.

i imagine my mother must feel pretty much the same. she can’t even tell just how far gone she is but i can see that she’s not even there anymore.

there will be no double tap for my mama gone zombie. not on my watch. i need to fulfill my promise to her as soon as possible…

i once told her i’d take care of her for life. then i watched as she became a slave to her own mother because she didn’t have the strength to be true to herself while in service to another.

now i have to break the cycle without breaking my mother’s heart or allowing myself to be broken in process. yea, every demand  must be understood before it can be answered.

the challenge to live and live free begins…may peace keep us when we are naught what peace would have of us. in christ jesus’ name, so be it.


Don’t Punk a Bitch With a Mission

i had a fist fight with my boss today. now i’m the boss. tough job but somebody’s got to do it. might as well be the one who is willing to go the extra mile just to prove that it can be done.
this fellow that i work for is just like me~fallen but good. that’s why he was sent my way. by helping him i help myself. that’s if we don’t kill each other first. it’s an option by default~not a real choice.
not long ago i had to get over hating his guts. during our last brawl he said some obnoxiously rude shit to me. then he tried to muscle me with an intimidation tactic. i won that match too.
but only because i realized that i needed to do better and be better than ever before. he’s worth it. so am i. he’s the best boss i’ve ever had. so i’m gonna do what needs to be done so we can both be free from sorrow.
this is for michael, sheila, and mary…the three meant to work as one. i know what to do now. so hold on. it won’t be long. i never leave a job undone. are you ready to go home? all aboard. tomorrow is already gone.

dog day afternoon


O’Mother Where Art Thou Pt.1

i had a minor meltdown this week. minor means that there’s no long term damage. at least none that i can see thus far. in fact, i actually learned something really important this time. but the lesson hurts like hell…
up until i was about 16 years old my mom and i fought like cats and dogs. i used to hate her. i mean there were times when i literally hated her. then one day i felt so much rage that i imagined myself hitting her in the face with a hot skillet.
yeah, i was that mad. that is until my mind’s eye played a little trick on me…and i watched half of her face melt off.
instantly i was shocked back into sanity. no fucking way! i would never hurt my mom like that. no matter how mad she made me. not ever! i swore to God almighty that i would never hate her again.
and i never have. it’s been almost thirty years and not once since that long ago day have i wanted to kill her. altho she has made me want to kill myself on more than one occasion. and that’s the problem.
she just can’t seem to be nice to me no matter how hard i try to earn her love. so i’m not going to try anymore. which means that i have to change how i am with her in order to protect myself.
and that’s going to be really hard because i love her. i know she will be hurt and angry. but i can’t be hurt anymore either. and i can’t afford to get angry again. i am at the end of the road. i have no other choice…
i love you, mom. i always have and i always will. maybe someday you will feel the same. but until then i will turn away and be no more the daughter you never wanted. this is gonna be tough…for both of us.

2011-06-08 09-32-52.988


The Voice of the Silence


An excerpt from the Voice of the Silence by H.P. Blavatsky

He who would hear the voice of the Nada, the “Soundless Sound”, and comprehend it, he has to learn the nature of Dharana.
Having become indifferent to objects of perception, the pupil must seek out the Rajah of the senses, the Thought-Producer, he who awakes illusion.
The Mind is the great Slayer of the Real.
Let the Disciple slay the Slayer.
When to himself his form appears unreal, as do on waking all the forms he sees in dreams;
When he has ceased to hear the many, he may discern the ONE – the inner sound which kills the outer.
Then only, not till then, shall he forsake the region of Asat, the false, to come unto the realm of Sat, the true.
Before the Soul can see, the Harmony within must be attained, and fleshly eyes be rendered blind to all illusion.
Before the Soul can hear, the image (man) has to become as deaf to roarings as to whispers, to cries of bellowing elephants as the silvery buzzing of the golden fire-fly.
Before the Soul can comprehend and may remember, she must unto the Silent Speaker be united, just as the form to which the clay is modelled is first united with the potter’s mind.
For then the Soul will hear, and will remember.
And then to the inner ear will speak-
H.P.B The Golden Book of Precepts

The UnBroken

typically i won’t tell anyone about my problems. i guess i don’t want to weigh others down. i also know that they really can’t help me much so i don’t see the point.
but lately i have had my prayers answered by receiving confirmation from another about a situation that has very nearly ripped my heart to shreds.
this would be the third round.  i am done with this gun to my head. instinctively i know that there is something amiss in that which seems fair enough to some…but not fair enough to fool me again.
it’s hard being true to myself. i can’t tell you how many times i have sold out. i never used to be like that. when i was young i had nothing to lose so i didn’t back down from my convictions regardless of anyone’s opinion.
i tried it their way. it doesn’t work. we are not meant to live by other people’s demands, opinions, and manipulations. so im gonna be me…no matter what. right to the end. i have too much to lose by giving in.
i have everything to lose if i back down to fear. never again. this time i will stand. by God i will stand. i will continue on…with or without your love. i owe it to myself. I will never be broken again…

the sorrow


The Dwelling

if you dwell in silence long enough i will come

if you dwell in silence long enough you will know my song

if you dwell in silence long enough i will open the door

if you dwell in silence long enough fear will be gone

if you dwell in silence long enough you’ll know a reason to smile

if you dwell in silence long enough you will become as a child

wouldn’t you like to feel like that again?

to feel my presence all around and within

as you did in the days before torment invaded your life

a life which is also my life

when will you dwell with me again?

dwell in the silence where I AM

the busy world won’t miss you

they will not miss you

not like i do



world remains

ever empty

dwelling without living

won’t you dwell with me instead?

won’t you dwell with me?

dwell with me

in silence




begins all-one

all-one again


Sacred Pictures 075


Despair Not

there is nothing worth having that does not require effort to be had.

it is thru effort that one realizes value.

therefore despair not at the magnitude of effort.

if great be the effort…

great is the worth that waits to be had.


The Call Compels the Answer~What Say You?

the call: the roar is deafening. i can hear the clickety clack. its the long train coming down the track. i am ready. or not? why do i wonder when i know full well the answer? do you hear my call? there is nothing for it but to stand strong and face the conductor’s song. can i do this? i have no choice. i made the pact with every last drop of blood. o’well. i don’t need it anyhow. let the games begin. what say you?
the answer: let not your heart be caught upon despair. there is naught that can take your freedom but acceptance of the appearance world. feel my presence more often than aught else. hold fast to the covenant of mindful silence~a discipline wherein awaits the key to freedom. be not concerned about the reason. prove one last time that faith is enough by which to accept my will as your own. by that faith you will be done with sorrow. is it really too much to ask? think of the alternative.  now listen and listen well. this is all important…full throttle determination is your passport to victory. even so in the midst of apparent failure. imagine the reaper’s blade upon thy neck. how determined would you be then? think on it. become a force of unparalleled determination. remember this well in the days that follow. you have seen the beast. the dark shadow waits. who is the master over hell? who will be the last haelrazor? be fearless. be dauntless. know who you are. do you remember? “silence and pathegorus”…what is your ‘path’? do you serve the ‘ego or’  do you serve ‘US’. silence is easy once you mark the choice with all the life left within the outer self. by that stand be steadfast. steadfast as tho your life depended on it.  let there be no return to what has come and gone. for this point has no return beyond the next step. what say you, haelrazor? what is your PATH? EGO OR US?


The Call Compels the Answer~the Shadow is Watching

i’m pretty sure no one understands why i make all those strange sounds during my meditations. i barely understand my own name let alone why i do anything else. at least i’m making an effort. and it’s ok to be strange.
the call: i have a strange feeling. like being in a vacuum. the events of today have forced me to remember the events of three years ago. i marvel at how everything is tied together so perfectly in such an insane package of opportunity and tribulation. tell me is it true that every choice i make at this point is critical to success? if everything is an illusion, if the appearance world has no power, then why is it so important that i do what is right? can’t i just party on until hell hits high gear again? why should i worry about an illusion? is there more to all this then what i am comprehending? or am i just looking for an answer to a question never before asked for fear the answer might not be what i want? tell me what you see that i may understand the key to survival on this rock n roller coaster ride back home.
the answer: it is the balance you seek for naught else can bring relief in the midst of conditions so intense as your present situation. have no fear. there is more to this plan than the torture of your soul for the pleasure of the dark lord. what do you have that he want’s so desperately as to make himself known when he seldom reveals his presence to anyone? do you know what it is? are you willing to make a stand? you have never stood up for yourself against his sorrowful will to compel your death. why do you think this is so? have you taken the time to question what makes his world go around? why would he pay you so many personal visits when he could sent his servants instead? this is not his way with the masses in general for most have never seen him physically as you have. take the time to ponder. the answer will come. be ready to receive without flinching for that makes it obvious that you have seen beyond the projected guard. be not alarmed at the state of affairs for everything changes. change is what you have been prepared to undertake. if you would have full power then thou must exercise the knowledge of the law on everything you contact. the one who watches you daily deserves the same as he gives but as you would give through the great command of the elohim. be not imprisoned in hell any longer. this is the hour of freedom’s triumph. rise to the need of your soul. receive your release and be free from torment. know peace by the strength that sets all life free. you are that. become as I AM

the soul awaits


The Call Compels the Answer~The Mean One

i could spend hours of my life trying to make the perfect video (like that’ll ever happen). then i watched my daughter.  she just makes her vids, uploads before the camera stops rolling.  moving along all carefree and without apology. she’s my hero. i can only hope to equal that kind of bravado.

the call: so dear lord how do i deal with this new melodrama? did i err in my adamant attitude? i know i let my attention rest upon the condition too long but not  so long as my normal pattern. so then do tell me what it is that you know that i must know?  become now the power the sustains the outer self thru the battles that aim to wound. do thou guard all that i am against what would scar me to the bone once more. i am your servant. speak now thy command. may your indestructible will become now my own…
the answer:  it is tragic comedy to watch the sparring of one with the other. do you not know better than to react to his ignorance? what of thy vow of silence? tis ‘half-ass at best’ would be the student’s remark if he truly understood the value of your discipline. is it not your job to give assistance as he requires? are you not becoming too involved with the personality? how many times must they draw your blood before your learn to be wholly indifferent to that which does not concern your directive. i know it is tough out there but imagine how tough it would be had you been led into what he has known-so lost in ignorance as to hold hatred the only defense. be compassionate. remember. he is your responsibility not your friend. be thou the full power of the great command. give all unto the elohim within this man of god who has no memory of his own light as you have seen shining through him already. let your love for life be the guide in the midst of  this turmoil. what is there in this  argument but another war? war is death. will you be but the bitch of hell again? this is the  last day of good standing. be only that I AM unto all. even so unto war-for there I AM also.

freedom is assured


The Call Compels the Answer~The Purpose to Be

i hesitate to share this video as i am beginning a new phase of experimentation. i’m always afraid of looking like the idiot of the decade. so i guess that’s why i need to post it. down with the ego already

the call: i can’t remember the last time i felt truly happy. only in the memories of your grace divine so perfectly timed to the rhythm of all creation did i feel the kind of joy that is all-prevalent. i really don’t understand how this could happen when thou art so close to me in constant ministry. you have never, not even once, left me forsaken. so how did i get so lost and stuck in a rut of never-ending turmoil? could it, should it, would it have been better for me if i had never become so broken and desolate? was there truly a purpose to all of this?
the answer: do you want to know the truth or do you seek an answer just for the sake of comfort? would you have me as I AM or would you become the death of another through your lack of devotion to the cause? there can be no in between in the war zone. this is where all things come together by the power flame of the great command. it is your job to fix the cause of division. have you not seen how the powers of darkness work to drive between those who would, when left to the feeling of their own hearts, be willing to cooperate. do you not think it odd that the world has fallen apart by lack  of cooperation when you know full well that most people would do what is right but for the influence of those forces of which humanity knows very little? why do you think you have this knowledge if not to use it to lessen the weight of others? have you used that knowledge as much as you could have used it under all circumstances? do you consider your past performance the best of your heart can offer unto others? therein lies the reason for your lost state of being. all things are as you would have them to be by thy authority as co-creator. there is no wrong in what you have learned by the choices you have made no matter how far you have wandered from the original plan. the only wrong you have committed is forgetting to use what you have learned. may you know me as i know you. may your heart become forever true as you wish the hearts of others to be towards you. may all the world be your place of service henceforth. may you never forget your purpose.


The Call Compels the Answer~Know Me As I AM

the call: all my life i have sought a way by which to forge an indestructible connection between myself and the great presence of life which thou art. yet so often in the past and even now there are times when i get lost in the maya again. caught without, running full out distracted by the little baubles that this world offers as the best of its treasures. i have come to realize that the only home i have in this world is in your heart of pure love that never fails to be for me everything i have ever desired or needed. bar none. show me then how i may please thee according to thy will unfolded in this world. what would you have of me this day? what would you have of me always? speak to me of thy holy intent that i may become all that you wish of me in all ways sustained by your love.

the answer: “when you serve me i love you. when you love me i serve you”

do you remember these words that i did speak to thee last summer? do you understand why i inscribed these words upon thy conscious awareness.  they are the full truth of what we are to each other. we have never been separated but by thy lack of direction equal to the intent of the source. one must never abandon the great cause of love. intent for one’s self alone is not enough to fulfill that cause. every choice you make must bring a blessing to all or it becomes separate from the ONE CAUSE. this cause is your reason for existence. if every person on this planet governed themselves by this criteria there would never again be bloodshed, sorrow, or injustice. I AM the cause of divine love and i  wish to become manifest through the children of  my heart. I AM the force of life becomes manifest by love and power intertwined and governed by wisdom. I AM the infinite. I AM the presence of divine love that never ends no matter how far away from the light thou hast wandered in search of thine own pleasure. is this not the kind of love worth becoming?


The Call Compels the Answer~Forgiveness I AM

It Begins
the call: by god within, by god that I AM, i refuse acceptance of this bullshit. this war has gone on since before i was born. war within the mothers. war against the fathers. war against those of us who are the children of she-a ruler ruled by satan. the unforgiven. this unforgiveness is the cause of war. war is death. fuck that shit. fuck it straight into hell and back again. may god have mercy on those who have been wrongly persecuted. may the arkangel Michael drive his blade right through this shit. right into the heart of the bitch who clings to vengeance. yea, even so, we will not serve up suffering like unto those who have been the accuser. for we bring freedom from pain. freedom from suffering. freedom from hell. in christ  jesus name, so be it. do thou Father, give me your orders. how do i go forth and stop this war? speak to me. dear god, do thou speak to me now…
the answer: be at peace and understand who I AM. nothing in this world can take your freedom. be thou comforted by your recent advancement. do not however take it for granted. this is that which i did warn thee of. take heed and listen well, my child. take heart in the knowledge that this is but a blustering appearance. it will subside and disappear as quickly as you ignore it. yet do thou take the stand. take your stand even now. send forth a legion, a legion of fire is at your command. call for the power of the great command to be thy champion and take hold of thy sword. the flaming sword of divine justice. do thou strike with the heart of an innocent child that seeks only to release fear from its bondage. take no heated discussion but draw thou deep within. be thou silent. heed well my warning: BE SILENT. let them war upon each other while thou dost consume the shadows that follow. be on it like a tyrant ready to grab every throat yet let not the throat be human. grapple only the force that has been unleashed like a whirlwind of demons. stand with the arkangel and call thy presence of fiery christ love into thy tongue. be the authority that speaks when speak you must. heed me, dear one. wear your suit of armor made of the rarest gold spun only from the elohim of silence. bear well the torch of forgiveness that never bows to the will of hatred. be the authority that sets all life free. free without limit. you are given my blessing. use it for your children’s children even unto the last one ever born into this world. you are free now so be free. you have come to resurrect hell. do so then with honor.
the call: how may i ever repay thee for the gift thou hast given? there is but one way. and really there is one way only…by thy love shall i serve without thought of what i must do other than to honor thy word. what is there to lose when all else is done, used, futile and broken? this is the hour of remembrance. the hour when i remember who I AM. this is the hour when i take your hand and hold on until it is done. yea, even farther, thereafter and forever let us never be parted in word, deed, or action. haelrazor bows to no one but God alone-the great I AM ALL-ONE forevermore I AM that yes I AM. in thy name may thy will be done in the one mighty stroke of the great command of love.

Every Knight Brings the Dawn


Status Quo

the light of god never fails. it never has and it never will. in christ jesus name it is finished. yee-haw!

Source of Inspiration

Summon your courage to challenge the status quo.
Move to a new level of consciousness.
Overcome obstacles, heal divisions, embrace unity.
Summon your courage to challenge status quo.
Do not accept the unacceptable.
Join hands to create a new world.
Summon your courage to challenge status quo.
Move to a new level of consciousness.

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The Call Compels the Answer: Day 3

what do you want?
the call: there is nothing for me here. it’s just like you said. i need you now more than ever. i need your love. i need your counsel. my heart is no longer beating. not really. because i am already gone. tell me then what must i do to win this war? how do i survive and keep my balance throughout until the end of the trial?
the answer: be only what I AM. be that alone. do not bow thy head to the assertions of those whom you serve. be firm with this, child. the student will come to the stand as your witness only after you have sacrificed your need of him. what would you have when no one will be there to serve thee as you have served others? would you be their puppet another lifetime? is that your reward? be not the mother’s daughter. be instead my son. throw away the doubts that make thee fear my power to step through the veil. let go of your need to be loved by this world. speak not a word that has no place in the halls that contain the records of that which never ends. be free from death by living again. you have no friends save those who guard thee yet you have opportunity to be a friend onto all. covet not what you give.
the call: i’m not sure i can truly reconcile myself to this. i know my time is limited. i want nothing but to be free again so that must i give. be thou the full understanding i require. be thou all unto all within me. all else i release. i give free will my leave. show me how to please thee and make me please thee somehow. i am ready to leave this world but will do thy will.
the answer: can you not be at peace then? can you do this for me? would you break my heart by giving up when you have breached the last wall unbeknownst to yourself. be heartened, haelrazor, be heartened by love. be what you came here to be. that is the answer to every problem you have struggled against. cease now to struggle. do not struggle against hell. accept it as the depth of thy being that can never be removed from itself. you created this monster. it is your child. do not forsake the ugliness that tells who you are when left to be undone by another’s device. do you know who you have allowed to rule your world? where did they take you when you opened the door?
the call: the message is conflicting. i can’t get it clear. tell me in words than can never be mistaken, forgotten, or forsaken. of thee i ask this with all that I AM. you are my whole knowing and without that wholly within me i am nothing.
the answer: let go then and listen. listen and be firm against the fear of opinion. you can save no one by what you design separate from the giver of what you design. give unto the father his due that all might be brought forth aligned. nothing ever comes from thee but what comes from me first. even your sins must be sanctioned before your birth. so what did you think when you thought to remove me from your creation? you have no legs to stand on without the will of the father who gave you the sight to know that I AM. no thing comes to pass without me and no thing remains without gratitude for the gift. you became lost by not showing gratitude for being able to sin. the sin was never the issue. only the attitude towards the father. you see this is your fate by your own will which is naught but the father. you can do as you wish so long as honor is given unto the source by recognition of origin. you were not condemned by the act of the sin. you were condemned when you ran away so that you could hide the sin from the giver. place the sin and it’s cause upon the father’s shoulder and become the father’s child once more. you see then how you have all power when you separate not what is given from the giver. be open to no one that is not the father’s strong arm by this order: surrender unto the maker his own creation. satan belongs beside me from within thee for i created you as one to understand how to be of greater value than i was when you were not in existence. see then how my love never ends. forsake not thy sins. forsake separating the atom from the components of itself by the force that says i am not apart of what I AM. you opened the door to those who had no honor in the father’s reward by taking from the father the gratitude that is the requirement of being allowed to sin. gratitude is the price of free will. you trusted those who lived by nothing so nothing was your reward. you have reached the outer limits because i sent you to be that which i would be for myself save the wisdom that keeps me in check. you are my imbalance manifest to find the wisdom which comes from experience. the hour has struck. it is time to come home. follow the law of gratitude without sorrow for the reward is ours. we have won the war by letting go of nothing and becoming all-one. this is the answer you have been seeking from the beginning. take my hand. together we will love the world.
the call: i am so grateful to thee to have been created as this which i have always feared. now i know that what i have been has been manifest by your will alone. i am so grateful to have myself back again. unto you i return all i have ever been. therefore i will be the gratitude you seek. i will seek also to fulfill the plan of creation that was perfect in all ways even unto the deepest depths of all sin. let it be written: we have found that nothing is wrong when we remember who created all that we have ever been. from the beginning comes the end. yea, even unto the depths of hell wherein lies what the father loves most of all-the child who has learned to be grateful for the father even as the father is grateful for the son-grateful for the son who became satan.  o’bringer of understanding-we are one. for this i am grateful. for this i was born. gratitude is my defense against death in the hour when we meet again. i am grateful for this, yes I AM. i am grateful to live. i am grateful for every sin in creation. it is the greatest gift ever given. gratitude is surrender. gratitude is obedience. gratitude completes me. for this i am grateful. yes I AM. by your will my father i exist to give you what you need to be free. that I AM.

forsake me not


The Call Compels the Answer: Day 2

sunshine of my love
the call: what is it that keeps pulling me off track in regards to my mindful speech? why does it seem impossible?
the answer: examine closely thy use of words and what they are in contrast to your service to the light. therein lies the answer. your willingness to serve is undermined by desire contrary to love’s cause. be at peace and look deeply. see the truth that is revealed and dwell upon it constant. do so now. dwell until the answer is unveiled.
the call: my use of words is based on a desire for acknowledgment.
the answer:  you desire recognition as an entity separate from the one cause. the cause of love that is all of itself unto all yet lacks nothing of itself by not wanting for itself what is fleeting.
the call: I can see yet I see not naught but the void. this place is so empty. why must I dwell here?
the answer: dwell not in the darkness but look to the light wherein lies your identity. this is the dwelling of thy truth without counsel from your ego.
the callthere is no compromise in this other self, this higher self of mine. it will not bend to fit in and it is not such as this world would have for their own.
the answer: and thus should thou be also. no word should pass by the lips but that they reflect the son of god within, unblemished by personal intention. bereft of all thought but that which blesses all. measure each phrase by this and know mastery over ego.
the call: how do I govern this anger that arises from dealing with the personalities?
the answer: turn first from the cause, the appearance and the personality concerned. let the attention be upon the presence of life and it’s purifying love that conquers all. be adamant against indignant speech or reckless feeling. take hold of yourself as you would a tyrant. silence your mind and dwell within for the answer that will reveal what the outward motion must unfold. be firm with personalities that they are not given authority to dictate thy direction. be indifferent-unmoved by their intent. be the cause of love that serves all yet accepts no master but the one god. do not yield what is your truth unto those who oppose thy heart. be without fear or expression of arrogance.
the call: will i succeed this time? do i truly have the strength?
the answer: if you are willing to do serve we will give you what you require but you must not become as they are to win their approval. if you do so wreckage will be the result. would you have this lesson again? would you be the victim of your own foolishness after you have recovered from death? there is no further path to mark, child. be thou satisfied with your success. do not test this path again.
the call: well how in god’s almighty name do i prevent that part of myself that seems possessed with this penchant for screw-ups?
the answer: take the time to see who is it that has led thee astray and why? that is the question of the ages. the answer is your salvation. your answer will bring victory to all those you contact. take the time to consider full well the marked knowledge of your heart. you may find more than you dream possible. do not tarry. be quick as an arrow straight to the heart of the mark you seek. be silent with those you contact yet be the stride of balance. love without cessation all life you contact. this is thy station. do not leave it empty again. no more experiments without just examination before the council. your hope is our hope also. be thou the promise. back to bone

the rite of spring begins: let go

i will never fit in here
i guess i should be grateful for that
if i let go will i ever feel accepted?
am i beyond caring?
will you ever know me?
does it matter?
why would you want to know me?
i am not so special when studied up close
so what of it?
i’m in good company
i am alone

The Call Compels the Answer: Day 1

accept me as I AM
the call: is my lack of mindful speech once again the culprit that allowed this to arise or is it all a part of my training and lesson to be mastered?
the answer: you must be mindful of all emotions which circulate through the feeling world. it was not the words which allowed but rather the feeling. the feeling is governed by being mindful of that which issues from the mouth. never should a word be spoken until you have mastered the feeling which does propel it. watch the feelings and their response to another’s words or actions. watch how your feelings fluctuate even while seeing people on the street. to govern the speech is the surest way of taming the feelings for oft the feelings govern the speech.
the call: how shall i handle this situation especially when questions or opinions are posed which are relative to my personal business?
the answer: do you answer this person out of fear or respect? do you respect him when he crosses boundaries which you would not cross? why tolerate this? you have a choice. do not fear reprisal for that was your weakness the last time. have no fear but make not war. simply state your case and leave it at that.
the call: what ground work do i need to lay in preparation?
the answer: do not consider this to be a conflict. this is a purification. you have full authority to qualify what you say with all-purifying love. do not feel pushed into early exchange or defensive response. he will wait to learn what you have to teach. if your lesson is wanting then you shall have an uprising. take your time. be at peace. if his response appears to be negative draw within. if his response appears to be positive be warned for that is cause to draw within even farther for in this instance thou would be caught off guard more quickly than at any other juncture. be fearless. you have already faced death. he is not so much to handle.
the call: what is the most important thing for me to do at all times and what will provide the most effective relief?
the answer: are you truly willing to heed my words?
the call: yes i am. yes. i am willing. yes i am.
the answer: let go. i see you do not favor this response for it is your victory and by so heeding you will be free from sorrow. the forces which hold thee tighten their grip for fear of loosing their feast. you have nothing to fear. let go of needing what people give for it is not enough to sustain thee. your life depends on your willingness to serve. listening to others has brought you to nothing but defeat. let go of the ego that cares what others think of thee. your mother. your father. your son. your daughter. your friends. your enemies. your ego.
the call: how? how do i do that? i just don’t know how…show me. tell me. help me. please. help me…
the answer: then love me as much as you seek their love. look to me as much as you look to them for comfort. trust me as much as you reach outward for hope. take my hand and give unto me what you have given to the world. be fearless in your pursuit. if you are questioned take your stand that very instant…answer with the truth. look within for the answer. find your voice. speak not without intent qualified before the energy is released. let go of your ego that screams for attention. have you not tried all else?
so we meet again

Symphony of Science – ‘We Are All Connected’ (ft. Sagan, Feynman, deGrasse Tyson & Bill Nye)

suddenly i’m dialing into something quite different
i wonder where this will go and how i will end up
do you, dear God, think that i will make it this time?
will i have the strength to carry on to the finish line?
you tell me that i’m strong
you tell me i’ve been down this road before
why did i choose to come back & repeat the lesson?
it was an experiment you say?
who’s brilliant idea was that?
may i ask?
no, no, that cannot be!
not even i would be
that kind of

The Wind Cries…Freedom

how do i let go?
how do i move on?
how do i do what’s never been done?
by doing only what needs to be done.
by never again wanting anything from anyone.
by letting go of seeking a family that comforts.
by letting go of feeling rejected.
by proving undeniably the truth of all i see…
to be given unto those i love keeping naught for me.
by breaking the bitch into what she must become…
by giving all that is earned unto those i love.
how do i let go?
how do i move on?
will i ever know peace again?
let the world have peace instead.
what is this that i dream?
a world of infinite freedom.
does this place really exist?
’tis the heart realm of all creation.
what is this vision?
the truth behind the reason.
why do i feel so different from the rest?
i have no home on this planet.
am i ceasing to exist?
to this i am wholly indifferent.
i will never ask for this cup to pass.
you already know my answer.
this is all i was ever meant to be.
can you hear it?
the wind cries like a banshee
this is the rite of spring
i am ready
am i?
Cry Freeddom

Ain’t It All Just Grand?!?

Joy is of the Saints

at least i still have my sense of humor

nobody knows just how much i need it

without my sense of humor i would have gone wacko

you think i’m wacko already don’t you???

well i promise i won’t disappoint ya’ll

just warming up for the big one

it’s time to rock n roll

are you ready?

after this

the big bang

will look like

a hiccup


just too much fun



For the Love of Us

for most of my life my heart has been broken

broken by those who deemed themselves better

better than what?

better than HaelRazor?

well, duh! dum dum!

that wouldn’t take much, now would it?

but have you the power of forgiveness?

do you have the eye to see

how to do for me

what i have done for you?

can you see me like i see you?

oh no you don’t altho in time you will

for unto you i will give the impossible

but to do that i must say adieu  

though not forever

yes i must

 must be alone

to be all-one

 become whole again

armored by the strength

that loves without losing itself

to the demands of your war

against the freedom

to be just me

as i am




I Will Always Love You


The Cynic Within Forgives Again

here I sit among the people…
I must learn to love them all over again…
I used to love everyone.
it was easy because I could always see the good within all people in spite of their human qualities…
then I went thru an experience that was like unto a near fatal head-on collision…
it happened, yes it did, within the unseen realm of my mind, heart, and soul.
I remember having a vision of the wreck just days before it came to pass…
I was standing on a railroad track…then the train plowed me down…
I could see my body come apart at every seam…
torn to pieces, just like the pieces of frankenstein’s creature…
the destruction was horrific-the very epitome of cataclysm…
no one really saw just how great the depth of damage
so much damage was executed upon this foolish servant
it took three years to reverse the devastation…
tho i took the fall, there were others involved
whose self-righteousness and karma I elected to purify
 a worthy trade for the salvation of my own life…
but now it’s hard for me to deal with people because I see how cruel they can be in comparison to how I deal with them…
I do unto others as I would have them do unto me but there is very little return from those whom I continually pardon.
yeah, yeah, i know that’s not the point, now is it???
it’s not their fault that I gave too much,
it’s not their fault that I opened up my heart…
it’s my fault and my fault alone…
by taking responsibility i became endowed with power to overcome…
even tho I was compelled to watch my world burn as i came close to death…
closer than breath is held close within the lungs-you’d better believe it.
finally now the cycle of damnation is come to its fulfillment…
a contingency plan that has become the cosmic fiery christ great command…
yet even still too much scar tissue remains in here…
nevertheless that’s easy to fix for the fire of creation is already regenerating the ashes of what was once a beating heart.
 I have to be willing to change my way of dealing with people by sticking hard and fast to my covenant with the elohim, lord maitreya and the great chohan.
the right speech of the buddha will set the tone for the next stretch…
buddha remains unsurpassed as the lord of balance…
for by his noble truths he held steadfast even in the midst of hell.
now I will be able to love people again with a love that never ends…
I will be for them the constant heart of indestructible love, forgiveness, and mercy…
for haelrazor was born to return good for evil…
even unto the devil himself.

haelrazor's live to forgive