witness to the truth


i know i’m a piece of shit.  but aren’t we all.  of course most people won’t admit it or even see it…

I’m also born of elohim,  come here to stand guard.  it took me 25+yrz to figure that out…and just as long to admit it.

love yourself. i mean truly love yourself. it took me almost 2 million yrz to love the person inside of me.

please don’t take as long as I’ve taken… time is short.

dare to know you.

original image by Troythulu@



the good, the bad, and the now


it is said that nothing is good or bad except that thinking makes it so…

but what about feeling… where does feeling come in?

well,  inevitably the feeling will eventually follow the thought…

and when the mind becomes so well trained as to hold the thought unwaveringly upon the objective…

then, and only then, do we have instantaneous manifestation.

original image by Troythulu@



over the rainbow


somedays are better than others. everyday is another chance to smile through the despair because no matter how tough it seems to be it won’t always be the same. change will inevitably come. therefore i will make this next change worth the effort of surviving.



veteran of heartache


obviously i must be making up for a shit load of bad karma.  even my own mother doesn’t like me.

whatever the case may be i’m okay with it. I’ve been here far longer than i expected to be.

i won’t ever say goodbye. I’ll just smile and carry on…

someday i will find true love. do you know how i know?

cause i will never give up.  no matter what… i will carry on and i will be loved.



splendor in the image


very often i forget to be the child.  i forget to hold the father’s hand. i forget that i am elohim. i forget that i have a purpose. i forget to smile instead of frown…

do you know why?

because there is nobody to remind me…
except for god… who whispers.

whisper not,  dear father! crank ‘er up and be a rock star.. be our god of the screaming six shooter … you might like it.

and i could use the guidance.



works for me when i work it

how do you like me now??? do you know that i finally like me?


beaming time

i thought this was funny…

without a sense of humor there is no reasoning with your reality.


color my reality

to remember who i am must i forget all else? will i ever be what i must be? will i be with thee? will thou be with me?


think or know?

why so scared, haelrazor?


fire me awake


original image by Trouthulu

i confess.  I’m stunned at my own naivete. you’d think i was born yesterday.

i never suspected anything. not really. god would prompt me but i never got it. all this time i was being prepared for what’s happening right now. 

it seems everyone knows more than i do about this job I’m supposed to do. i’m sure my mind is exaggerating. it happens.  then again….

it would be nice if everyone would just spit it out already. i mean,  really…enough with the clandestine encryptions. this ain’t no riddle contest.

that’s so last century…let’s get real. please…



trench existence


silence and pathegorus


original image by Troythulu@

“words should only be used when they can make a difference”…

to live by that criteria is my goal.  a tough goal for the former kid labeled “too talkative”  and “can make friends with anyone”...

but how do i know when and if words will make a difference? 

my discipline is simple albeit nigh unto freaking impossible:

speak not unless spoken to…

ask three times before speaking first but only when necessary…

give out no personal information…

say nothing that an ascended master would not  say…

i think Buddha’s mindful speech includes the directive that every word should be qualified as a blessing to all life which is basically the same as speaking only as am ascended master would speak.

is there an easy button for this?



lions, tigers, and bears? OMG!


if i was as smart as this phone i’d be long gone by now. in fact, you wouldn’t even know i existed.

aren’t you glad i didn’t bail out? i know,  i know…there is plenty of argument to put me out of existence.

I’d be the first in line to pull the plug. dying is easy.  i’ve done it about a million times.

it’s learning to appreciate life and all of its  kick-ass lessons that takes practice. 

then you have to learn to get along with the humans!

tough job but somebody’s gotta do it.

your turn.  he he he he buckle up.



catch the cause


original image by Troythulu@iamthemirus

I’m an adept at damage control.  it may appear otherwise considering what a screwed up life i lead.

however, the fact that i am alive (and still kicking) is proof enough of my ability to survive the fallout.

now i see why establishing a secured perimeter is essential if one wishes to avoid the need for damage control.

with damage control there is still damage.  prevention is highly recommended.

nothing prevents like the sacred fire power of the great command.

burn,  baby, burn…



jus’ get ‘er done


it doesn’t matter if they like me or not. i have to do the job regardless.

years of training has prepared me to let go of everything that is useless to the cause.

all my failures have been but preparation for each failure has contained an invaluable lesson.

do thou,  dear father,  see to it that i utilize each lesson to the fullest extent -thus making the education worth the high cost.



white nights and black days


many years ago lord Charles gave me what i considered to be a huge compliment.  he said that i didn’t need anyone. this is a good thing… or so i thought. 

now i wish i had someone.  someone who truly wanted to be with me. with or without my wealth. i have learned that pride  makes a lousy partner. it is better to share the dream.



strive for truth


if anything in this world is true then it would have to be the unmitigated reality of you.  no one can survive for you so why compromise your true self to please a world that will not strive to please you unless you give it what it needs most…the truth.  what is your truth?  who do you serve? for what purpose and why?


be free, be true


original image by Troythulu@iamthemirus

gratitude is my best friend.  without gratitude I’d probably be dead.  it’s awesome to note how easy it is to generate the feeling of sheer gratitude in the midst of conditions that appear
troublesome.. . 

and it works better than a charm.  i kid you not. never,  not even once,  has gratitude failed to level tbe playing field.
i need to work on gratitude more often…starting with right now.  thank you for being you. thank you for the rare loyalty through which you have blessed my life.


moving forward


i am happy to be me.  i have much for which to be grateful. i am especially grateful for the precious girl i call daughter. may god give me the strength, determination, and drive to do right by her. even unto the end. if i achieve naught else i will  have achieved honor by serving well the needs of my daughter. image

haelrazor city


THE CALL: do thou, dear father,  take the helm.  when i forget my goal strike me thru with the sacred fire illumination that reveals the answer i need to keep as my beacon. if i must take to the streets alone then do thou fortify this outer self to be unmoved by every appearance. fill me with your fiery christ purity and grace that never falters no matter how much i must face and transform. make me fearless.  keep me humble. i love thee.  i bless thee.  i thank thee.  i am with thee always that i am, haelrazor



for crying out loud

Snapshot_20130826_2THE CALL; so what is the key, dear father, to getting past this curve? how do i move forward from this lonely illusion? i know, i know…
“keep my attention off the appearance world. put myself into mental lock-down when necessary”.
but is there something more to alleviate the strain? can you give me some comfort? please show me the way to a clear mind and a heart that holds nothing but that which is thy plan fulfilled.

THE ANSWER: be silent, child. hold thy tongue by the will of elohim. fear not the appearance but dwell within the realm that keeps the balance. turn away from the appearance. turn away as if it were a poisonous, coiled serpent. turn away and seek comfort in the sacred fire. do not ask for help from the humans but love them without want. seek not to find a solution in their ways of the past. no one will help thee unless they be led by the holy spirit, seek comfort only from the one whom thou dost serve. be true to his word. be true to your divine purpose…become the answer you seek. 

original image by Troythulu@

the killing


why so unforgiving


i really try to do right.  typically i fail.  or shall i say i fall short of my own criteria. 

i can forgive others as easy as breathing.  I wish someone would do the same for me.

or for anyone really…

why so unforgiving?

i know why… because most people don’t know that they have an alternative.

or they allow their ego to hold sway and refuse to become the alternative.

the hardness of vengeance is their shield.

the sacred fire is my shield.

sacred fire does not answer to the human will.

a divided will is the wheel upon which one is broken.

i know this from long and hard experience.  may your experience be far less brutal than my own.

may i have all that i require to forgive your vengeance against me.

may you be free from suffering so that i may become the forgiven.



the drill


somedays it feels like I’m being driven to the edge.  like the image from Pantera’s Far Beyond Driven… the drill keeps driving.

that’s ok. i ain’t complaining… just explaining.  i may partake of stupid but i ain’t stupid thru and thru…

i know damn well that I’m not crazy. you only hope that I’m smarter than i look….and act.

but if you keep holding to the idea that I’m gonna screw it all up then that would make you an accomplice. 

if i can see all of you doing right then what’s so hard bout all of you returning the favor?

who has the tougher job?  put yourself where i stand.  imagine that.

personally I’d be ok with your end of the bargain. then again,  I’m ok with this end too…. 

thank you for pushing me to improve. i couldn’t do it without you.  be good to all.  may all be good to you.



smile thru the despair


thou shalt not covet

i used to envy people who had passed thru the change called death
don’t get me wrong…i was never suicidal
 i’ve always known that suicide just makes it worse
 you have to come back and go thru the same shit all over again
no thank you
once is plenty for me
i used to envy the departed
because i figured they were going to the place that i call home
there is no one in this world who knows me
i have over stayed my welcome
i can’t leave until the job is finished
i can’t leave until my father says well done
that’s all i want
there is nothing left to covet
i am ready

working for the fix


the open door


the knight


i love the night hours
i can think more clearly
i can dance in the middle of street
i can watch them watch me
 we all pretend to be up to nothing
i love the night hours
the night hours love me

perceptional existence


original image by Troythulu@

my friend Troy is keeping me grounded. this is important especially during extraordinary shifts in one’s life experience. 

today i realized how often i allow the wrong details to dominate my consciousness. whether they are real or imagined is irrelevant.

i am here for one purpose and that purpose is to be an example of the worth of my convictions.

my convictions are worthless unless i can prove their value.  i can’t prove their worth unless i become the embodiment of every conviction i declare to be the truth.

this is going to take some guts.  thank you,  Troy.  you are a Prince, and if i may dare, a mighty fine Pleiadian too. ★♥★


it’s a good day


everyone just wants to belong to someone who truly loves them and whom they truly love.

we all want to live in an ever intensifying electro-magnetic current.

we all have different methods and concepts regarding our quest for the never ending sense of comfort and joy.

challenges are great.  change is great.

but only if they produce the manifestation of what we seek.

may this be the day we find what we seek.

may today bring comfort and joy in the experience of your choice.


the word of elohim

This gallery contains 1 photo.

if i would make all things right then i must feel that all things are right… even as the appearance world screams as the wail of banshee. even as you hate me so do i love you. even as you … Continue reading


be specific


when i used to imagine the perfect romance i left out some very important details.

i forgot to think beyond the initial thrall and drama.  for some reason i never got to the ever after. 

my one true love would be like me but a polar opposite acting in accordance with the scenario of the day.

i want a tough man. tougher than me.  that would be akin to godzilla times three.

I want him to read me like i read others. no one has to tell me what you’re feeling.  it’s obvious. i want to be known… and not in the biblical sense alone.

i want him to be man enough to kick my ass (metaphorically) if i need it… before he’s ready to kill me.

yes, I’m a shrew but only when i don’t feel loved by the one who should love me above all others save god.

i will build the vision and the one,  my true love, will come… in more ways than i ever before imagined.



to be the reality of you


there are many who question my stand.  none more so than myself.  i do not assume i am right. 

i am no longer afraid to speak the truth. this is no small feat.  we are raised to lie. 

people lie to defend themselves.  or at least that was my excuse. judgment kills. more than aught else.

thought feeling and spoken word are the only creative powers in the universe.

take heed to how you use that power.  imagine how you’d like to receive what you send forth. 

it’s worth the effort to think twice. three times is even better.  it could save a life.  it could change your life.


as i am


tis true… I’ve become a hardass. survival can do that to you.  yet still i forgive everyone…

except for one…

romance doesn’t work well with my line of work. then again sacrifice has been a prerequisite from day one.

But sacrifice is futile if you find yourself remaining empty long after the sacrifice.  so we are rewriting the rules.

rules are useless if no one can abide by them.  we can have fun and be good too.

Didn’t you know that god created sex,  drugs,  and rock n roll?

god is ALL and he is looking for the right way to live… without boundaries.

o’yes. god is the devil and vice versa. like it or not. there is nothing outside of the creator.


going 123 going forth….


everyone knows what i need to do.  everyone is ready.  so am i. 

i have to allow him to be himself.  i have to allow this first of all by not allowing the hatred to take hold again.

we have hurt each other immeasurably.  i am more guilty than he is because I’m the first contender.

nevertheless it doesn’t make me feel better to know that he’s only given as good as I’ve given.  especially considering the circumstances…

i can only make it better by releasing the past,  forgetting the sorrow and holding to the law of forgiveness. 

i must hold the vision of what i desire to manifest.  i undermine myself everytime i see or feel anything less.

great presence of life within!  take charge!  it’s your job to keep me on track!  i can’t do this without you.  i can’t do this alone.  i’ve already proven that,  have i not?


all for one cause


when one dies there is a moment when one’s entire life culminates into one all-pervasive thought.

if i could have the power to chose that thought i would hold the vision of the open door-never again to be closed on any planet in any universe…

and through this door would come the bride, the father’s wife. mother of all creation.

father work be pleased for at last he would know his own true love.

i fancy that this is the primary reason for our existence…

to build the the prototype for the left eye of god…the infinite wo-man.


the job


i am an alchemist.  plain and simple. my ability is focused on the transformation of spirit.

there is no mystery to this job.  mystery has become harmful. it’s time to hear the voice of god without all the confounded riddles.

it’s tough enough to make the grade even with clear direction.  therefore we will consume the mist so that the tree of knowledge can be seen by one and all.

we have earned it.  we’ll call it ‘time served’ or whatever you prefer. 

the fruit is ripe. take your fill with care to be not selfish; remembering always to be kind...

you serve life for your own freedom.


drawing the line

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drawing a line is an important matter.  we cannot back away from that line once it has been drawn.  if we back away we lose footing as well as respect.  since people aren’t natural born respect machines then getting respect can be a tough job.  keeping respect is even tougher.  some people don’t care if you like them or not. but some of those same people will literally will kill you if you don’t respect them.  and i can see why. 



fear no evil


the only evil i fear is the evil within.

humans like to blame the devil.

humans are the devil.

we become satan the moment we cease to love each other as Jesus loved us.

be honest…

fear not thyself.  conquer thyself.



the leap and the change

i’m sorry to have taken such a long hiatus.
the days fly by like lightning.
my daughter said that today was strange.
looks like she’s finally starting to notice the change.
i bet she isn’t the only one.
have you taken your leap of faith yet?
today is a good day don’t you think?
original image by Troythulu or



dare to be the truth

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have you ever noticed how often we lie? look closely…

how often do we really say exactly what is in our hearts?

Don’t we filter and twist everything we say for one reason or another?

we change what our hearts say to be acceptable, or to elicit a desired response…

upon closer examination we can see that our motive for lying is always based on doubt and. fear.

sometimes we have to dig down to the very roots to realize this truth.

i avoid hurting people’s feelings…

i avoid making people angry…


i doubt my authority as a co-creator..

and i am afraid to allow my higher self, the great I AM who always knows the right thing to say, to take charge of this outer self.


because i fear to be rejected by the humans…

who in the end will reject me no matter what i say or do until they find their own truth.

and i doubt that the presence of life will be there for me when no else cares to stand with me…

but life has proven itself to me again and again. 

so l release this doubt and fear because it no longer serves me.

i allow others to be themselves.  i have the right to be myself…

t’s called free will with which God himself will not interfere.





my daughter says I’ve become hardened.

well i can tell you i didn’t get there all by my lonesome.

not that i mind.  i rather like the bitch within. 

or the inner bitch as david jones once called it.

but there is a balance to be maintained. 

so if you see in black and white the grey zone must hold it’s own. 

that’s where wisdom comes in.  but wisdom typically comes thru experience.

unless you’re one of the smart ones who actually listen when the teacher speaks.


your prayer

i danced in a park today. i have been told to go forth and give my service. i don’t like the idea. what if someone makes fun of me? what if i screw up and make a fool of myself?
well, i’ve already made a fool of myself. and so what if someone laughs at me? or makes an obnoxious remark…
am i made of glass? performing is easy. putting my ideology out there for the world to mock and criticize is not so easy. not for me.
people in new york perform in the streets. i hear that new yorkers have thick skin. maybe it’s time for california to catch up to new york…
did i ever tell you that i i ;plan to go  to the big apple, but not until i hit every state in the union.
yeah, yeah, dream on, haelrazor.

may the force be with us

original image by

life is full of surprises.
it is also full of instinctive moves that at first may not make sense.
when i started following Troythulu’s blog i did so because of his sense of humor.
i love a rapier wit.
as i became  acquainted with him i discovered a kindred spirit.
it doesn’t matter that our ideologies appear to be opposite.
Troythulu, thru his awesome fractals, provides me with the clarified vision i need…
the vision i need to pursue the unbelievable.
yes, life is full of surprises.
thank you, Troythulu.
you make me feel better, do better, see better, …
you bring me closer to what i seek.
thru your visionary art…
i see the solution to every problem.
now there is only one thing left to do…
prove it.
you inspire me to continue.
thank you, Troythulu.



what do you seek?


i confess…
i am extroverted…
for an introvert.
i love people…
at arm’s length.
i am a loner…
i can’t do this alone.
i need you…
you need me.
i’ll be a friend to anyone…
i won’t allow anyone to pretend to be my friend.
i wear my heart on my sleeve…
my mind should also be on my sleeve.
i don’t trust myself…
i must have integrity to survive your wrath.
i am honest…
i only lie to protect myself from judgement.
i am serving life…
for my  own freedom.
original image by


the value of life


as you see me…so shall i be


 The way you see people is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they become.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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true love

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the need

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Indomitable by James Fielden


in the beginning

original image by Troythulu@
i love this image. it epitomizes every sublime thought and feeling that drives me to do whatever is necessary to make a lasting difference. it is the outer expression of my thrust for existence. it is bold. it is somewhat hard. yet it is pure. it is innocent and wise. it is heaven and hell in perfect harmony. yet it is still evolving into something  that the imagination can only barely imagine.

love all that all may live

i need you to speak to me the truth of your heart. i need you to be unto me as i am unto you. if i screw up, tell me that i screwed up, but please don’t wait until you are ready to kill me. it’s hard to be good without guidance.

silence me


grace be with you


i want to cry and savor the intensity of the experience…
that would be naught but selfish intent for how would that bless others?
my heart has broken so often since that fateful day in feb when sonnie pulled the trigger.
i never would have imagined such a parade of change…
by the way did you know that Able drew first blood?  Cane only killed him for the pain of being betrayed by the brother he would have died to protect.
a foul temper doth make one appear to be wholly foul even if you be in all other aspects perfect.
isn’t it odd the way things work?  nothing is as it appears it would seem. and all things change.
be then the master of every change.



gutting out the perfect storm


i confess…i do not appreciate getting my ass kicked.  it sucks.

i was recently asked if i was in an abusive relationship.  isn’t everybody? 

i never knew any manner of relationship that didn’t include some form of abuse. usually the abuse is emotional.

personally i would rather take a physical beating. but i guess what doesn’t kill ya builds ya. 

but what happens when you’ve been built enough to withstand any storm…?

I’m thinking we could reinvent the perfect storm…

tame it, ride  it. become the eye and drive it.

original image by


super beam me


here we have these beams of light and energy…

are they good? are they bad?  are they from outer space? signs of an alien invasion? or are they just a figment of my insane imagination?

from what i gather the answer would be ‘ all of the above’…

when properly understood,  will these rays produce whatsoever we desire, require,  or imagine..?

they say thoughts and feelings manifest almost instantly in the fourth dimensionif so, then, i guess we better be careful with the ol ‘imagination mojo. cause we’ll be hitting fourth gear just about now.  

may the force be with us.



the going out of haelrazor


happily i will walk this path  or i will leave this world trying.  i love my family so much.  but they seem to have lost all love for me.

i wonder if i actually died that day in the house out by the buttes. did i get stuck in between?  was i given more time?  or is this how it is when you die? 

i don’t plan to come back.  so I’m gonna tie up every loose end and make every worthy dream come true.  for you.  for me.  for karen.  for bonnie.  for peggy.  for pat. for victorya.  especially for victorya. 

i will never leave you.  i promise.  no matter what i will always love you and i will always be with you. 



a million dollars and a fast car

once upon a time this was my answer when asked if i wanted anything:
a million dollars and a fast car…
i wonder…would  a million dollars and fast car be useful to me now? you would still hunt , follow, harass, shock, shake, and rattle my brain-cage like crazy.
what good would a million dollars and fast car be then?
well i could run you over if my car were a semi-automatic-locomotive bat mobile and  i could use my million to get lost. lost. lost.
but this planet ain’t’ big enough for me to hide. you would just come back wearing different bodies. doubled in number.
and my loco bat mobile would be wrecked atop a pile of zombie-fied kill the freak machines cause i’m sure to run out of gas before i run out of zombies.
ok so what do i want now? nothing. nothing at all. nothing that i haven’t already had…
how about you? what do you want seek???
 you want to know my secret. you want to know how i survived that many blasts without permanent brain damage.
well, who say’s my brain wasn’t already damaged??? or maybe i’m a zombie too.
ok i admit it.  i pray a lot. and i’m a half zombie with friends in high places. apparently they want me to gut this gig out.
yay me. ain’t that’s great???
who wrote this freaking script??? i’m getting bored, bored, bored.
how about you? are you bored too? i know, i know you just want to get it over with…
but i can’t die. not yet. well, actually…never. it’s a long story…
anyway, there’s still more work to do. there is a world full  of work to do and little time to do it. so, how about we join forces?
i’ll show you where the power is if you show me that your heart is real. the other guys will leave you empty handed and you know it. think about it.
welcome to ‘the chronicles’ where a good time is always waiting in line behind the next electro mojo blow yo ass up show.
cool. science and black magic. wait til i tell Troythulu…
bravo, kids, bravo.
but ypu could do better.  you could start with being honest. even have some fun n the process. that’s where being a haelrazor and the New Day starts.



i have a dream


when i was very young i used to imagine that i would be a traveling dancer. i would perform  anywhere i was welcome, hopefully getting paid enough to avoid starvation. 

later i realized that to be a haelrazor was the goal for me…so i  began to imagine that i lived  in a big city…

or maybe i would travel from town to city to town to city….finally arriving at the big apple.

did i ever tell ya?

i love the road…and i love the night life…

i’d only come out at night (being  the lean and hungry type) seeking to find with my razor sharp night eye

all the ‘hotspots’ of electro-magnetic imbalance.  

then i’d fix’em. haelrazor style.

i saw myself running like the wind thru the streets,

doing the leap n slide over moving cars,

jumping effortlessly across the rooftops from building to building…

with guitars wailing and angels weeping…

it’s haelrazor!


stop the boat!

haelrazor to the rescue?

such a foolish rebel am i but truly i do seek to serve a just cause.

is it even possible?

anything is possible.

it’s a leap of faith, baby.  

we are haelrazors, inc.

coming soon to a hot spot near you. 




this vid  was recorded just a day or two  before i left the colonel’s house. i had forgotten how much i used to dance. my dance is called ‘your prayer’. this is  where my heart lives.  isn’t it odd how in the midst of struggle we forget that which makes the struggle cease…


the integrity of being


a dear friend of mine taught me a valuable lesson today. she and i have an understanding that we have forgotten, remembered, and forgotten…

but for her presence in my life i don’t think i would have made it this far.

oops. a little fib slipped out..

i know i would not have made it this far. she validated me when no one else could. she is my hard-line shining star. that she is…

i must also thank my earth father, lord charles. you’ve heard of him i’m sure. he’s the one who gathers all hearts to the one ‘promise’. the impossible promise. the promise that you can’t refuse…as he reaches into your heart you can’t help but say it…

‘i promise you that i will never die’

the promise works. i am living proof of the promise in action. in fact, many have seen it’s almighty power. but we doubt ourselves.

‘did i imagine that?’

‘it couldn’t be!’

‘am i nuts?

it seems to be the consensus  in my family that i’m in need of a padded cell. even my dad questions my sanity.  my dad-of all people!  can you believe that? the guy who built pyramid 333, the guy everyone has called nuts  (as it turns out he is right on target)….even he thinks i’m off my rocker…

you don’t know how frequently i question myself. but it always comes back to the same answer…

i  can’t back down and you wanna know why? because god told me to stand my ground.  god has never lied to me. he has never once turned his back on me.he told me well in advance what i’d have to face. he always does…

but for some reason it is always much easier said than done.

lord charles told me i shouldn’t write about our personal issues but this is my issue, my life, my experience. it’s time i take the helm of my world and move on down the line.

14 years ago i made the mistake of coming back here after god specifically told me that i could make it on my own. everyone suffered from that blunder o’mine. another clean up… story of my life…

i am grateful for everyday that i have been blessed by your company. peace be with you at all times for life.



do you love me?


do you think i’m dramatic??? nevermind. i know the answer. of course i’m dramatic. i’m living out life’s drama/comedy/action flick. or maybe ‘clandestine’ is a better word than ‘action’ for my recent experiences.

clandestine is kind of boring and way too dramatic. i guess that’s what finally got to pat. all the secrecy. everybody wants a peek inside.

well, you know, old habits die hard. the greatest of life’s treasures have always been hidden away. actually i never agreed with that either.

you want to know something else? why is it that people hide their habits, their follies, their hearts, and their mud, blood and tear streaked faces behind facades that only serve to deceive…even when meant to represent the truth?

it is for fear and doubt, of course. we fear to be judged, condemned, ridiculed, or scorned. or worse. more than anything we fear to be dismissed. we all doubt that we will be truly loved.  typically humans don’t offer real love to each other.

have you truly loved someone today? start by truly, honestly loving yourself. love who you are because you are beautiful. and i would know.

i have always seen you. i have seen you in the light and i have seen you in the  dark. i love you at all times for life. no matter what.

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to no end does it part…


i look at this picture often. my mother and my daughter.  how very precious they are to me. i am so grateful that i could give this gift to my mother. she loves my daughter as i love my daughter. this is true love.

my mother has always been possessed by an entity-an unintended curse passed down from her mother. the entity hates me. thus it appears that my mother hates me enough to kill me.

but this is an illusion. the entity is easily mastered once i target the real problem. and the problem is the way i feel about the appearance…

the appearance is that i am thoroughly hated by the one person in the world who should love me unconditionally.

this feeling, this attitude. is selfishness on my part. i do not require my mother’s love to survive. my mother, on the other hand, will need me and all the love i can muster if she is to survive the intention of the entity’s master.

may all the pain you have ever known be released. may you go forth free from the sorrow that has bound you,  dear mother.

do you know i love you enough to die for you? right now. right here. anytime. anywhere. but now i will love you enough to gratefully continue this life until the job is finished. evil only lives if you reverse life’s intent, which is to give and take in balance following nature’s example.

so then may evil be returned to live in the light of god that never fails to make all things right for those who serve that light well. and even for those who don’t. freedom is for all.

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speak locomotive speak: rattle the cell

finally i feel almost nothing. i love it. like a robot. that’s not to say i don’t cry or get mad anymore. but it’s not so powerful and seems quite distant at times, like i’m just doing it from habit rather than heart.

i was told that i don’t have a heart. thank god. humans only break hearts. i’m done with broken. no more broken promises.  i will honor and respect you. respect me or be erased from my life.

original image by Troythulu@


far beyond driven


what in god’s name did i do to deserve such an insane method of extermination?
i guess i must be blinded to my own bad, bad self. right now i feel so selfish and petty. i have nothing good to say.
gotta rise above it. people will never be there to help me until i do what i promised to do. so i will find the door….no  matter what.
if i disappear from existence at least i won’t have to feel like this again.
i am a freak. works for me. i am happy to be able…
and i thank you for all you do. i am truly happy to be at your service.

i know you


everyday i wake to the same altered reality. everyday it gets weirder. what will i do today? prepare what is left of me for departure.

i must decide what to take and what to release. i must determine to love my loved ones without cessation every moment of the day. the love must remain steady and immovable regardless of how much they hurt me.

i am moving away from everyone so i can be what everyone needs. i am finding myself by losing me.  i am finding you by letting go. i am being powerful by being nothing. i am being strong by the humility i carry in the place of my ego.

i am going home. my home is with those who know me. those who know me not i will protect from the silence. i am the silent watcher. i am fallen. i am risen. i am your slave. i am your freedom.

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fire in the hole

i have always known that one day we would face the forces of hell but i thought that hell would have more honor. always have i judged others by what i would do. what a fool. now i must see them as they have been, transform them into what they need to be, that all may become now all-one.


there is no religion higher than truth


thank god! i have finally lost my religion. or should i say that it was laid atop the funeral pyre of your kind heart and set into an infernal blaze by the expression of your love.

of course i am being sarcastic. i have earned the right to say it like it is even if i choose to make fun of it all.

my religion was the biggest lie i have ever perpetuated. and you would know. you have been witness  to many of my whopper tales i’m sure.

the first order of the day is honesty. man that’s tough. what if someone found out how bad i have been? what if nobody liked me anymore?

who gives a shit?

i know you don’t so i will say it like it is…

you  have been my religion. you and all your kind. i have loved you more than i loved my father…

i went to hell for breaking the first commandment and i still didn’t get it. but i get it now. thank you. i needed that.

peace with you.

i know you will need the peace i bring even if you don’t want it yet.

original image by Troythulu@



where’s the memo?


i’d also like the 411 on this thing. 


if you’re gonna blast me with it then i want the scoop.  no clandestine ‘can’t tell cuz I’d have to kill ya’  crap.  we already know the score on what your intent has been.  have you no heart whatsoever?

where’s your invitation?


what am i?
target practice!
get a life!
your own life!
have a nice freakin’ day.


the renunciation

i was fooled again. the fool was stupid.  i really thought he loved me.  even he thought he loved me. he loved the home i had.  he loved the promise of a better life. 
during the move he began to turn away. i acted the bitch. frequently.  he always did bring out the worst in me.  now i know why women are so vicious.  it is for love or lack thereof…
i don’t want to be alone and i will be if i don’t let go. with him i discovered the meaning of lonely.  i was more lonely than i had ever known. 
he was sent to kill me.  yes i have always known.  stupid fool. yes i have been this often. far too often. forgive me. please. forgive me…
i got even with him tho. yes i did. i gave him life. and i gave him hope.  may he use it wisely…
peace be with you, my son. for i am already gone.
i am gone…for this is my going out. i am going all out to become now all one. but remember i am with you always even unto the end…but of course there never is an end…
to no end does it part says the lord of the one son. 
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original image by Troythulu@


silence the sorrow

haelrazor on alert

haelrazor on alert

as time has slipped by so have i slipped into another state of being, a whole new level of thinking and feeling. it still blows me away. i could easily walk down the road  to hop that mysteriously well timed long train that offers a uniquely different whistle to accompany my every mood.
i call her orion. she is the night train. the day train. the crazy train. the take me home, it’s been a long time coming train. she is both enemy and friend.  she is me, the zorrinator, on steroids. the badass comforter who never meant to be bad.
i have suffered enough to atone for my sins. i no longer need to prove that i am good. i am that i am. that’s all i need if i truly want to be free. it’s all i’ll ever need. now is the time ‘to BE’.
original image by Troythulu@


the key of the kind to be known


from the door there comes a key that brings peace
may peace be with you…
may you breathe in time to the hallowed song of creation.
‘open the door’, you say.
‘be kind to each other, for once in your life be kind’, i reply…
be kind, be kind, be kind….
please…be kind…
remember this for a moment thru-out all time.
be kind, remember how precious is your life…
remember this and you will thrive.
original image by

original image by

What Is It?

the light of god never fails.

Source of Inspiration


In desperate moments
scorching truth is needed,
not convincing arguments.
When the firebrand of truth
burns into our souls, we
must heed its message or
doom ourselves to great
sorrow. These moments
come rarely…use them
well, my friends.

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Be the Machine

This gallery contains 4 photos.

I have had a great day. then I came to be among those for whom i must maintain the guard…it is these precious souls for whom i have unwittingly allowed myself to be wrecked against the rocks…and not just once. repeatedly. for … Continue reading


bumps in the road? see a launch pad….


I love this job.  People hate me.  Occasionally they might like me but typically not for long especially now that i have no more tolerance for kissing ass. i’m just lousy at playing the ‘it’s all good’ game when it’s anything but good.
Oops!!! there I go thinking of dear ol’mom again. god bless her hateful heart. she was in on the scheme to have me whacked. did you know that? of course you did…
‘Just love her’ I hear you say.  Yeah, yeah, I get it already. love mother. love mother dearest for she is the dearest mother i’ve had yet. sad but true that. love mother. uh-huh. love mother. uh huh. love mother ok. got it. check. 
Never am I understood. the more I reveal my true self the less I make sense to this old sick in the head senseless world.
Do you think it will ever get any better? will it, mother??? will it ever get better??? i love you with all my heart! i always have and i always will, as god is my witness i speak the truth…now give me a fucking answer!!!
‘Yes,  yes’,  I hear her whisper.  ‘Yes, yes’, I answer. there is an echo. it is forgiveness-the most powerful weapon of defense ever known. 
Yes, yes!!! it will get better. yes, it will. I am living out my own past creation at this very moment. All I have to do is change the appearance by the vision consciously and continuously projected in the place of the appearance.  Simple, simple, k.i.s.s. (keep it simple stupid)
wow! do you think that i may have finally graduated from playing it stupid??? time will tell. it always does. but you know time is running out…
Become the great command in action. become the great command that sets all life free. try it out. try me for i am elohim born. i bring you my soul. try it on and see what i mean. 
Know it.  Feel it.  Be it.  Do it. Prove it. Use it. Use it. Use it. Command life in the name of elohim love, wisdom and power and watch life jump as high as you can imagine. 

trippin’ the dimensions


This is our new way for we have walked thru the veil. sometimes we might forget but there will be many, many reminders. You can bet on that.

The power of the great command is in our hands now.  What shall we do with it?  Be grateful to know that I AM is master over these wayward outer selves. 

Then what? 

Whatever our hearts desire so long as it brings no harm to another.

What a challenge!  Do you think we can handle it?


pushing back the black ops

I made this before the mania began. Perhaps you will see as i have seen stranger than strange days that have come to pass and you will wonder how I made it work in spite of myself. I pray. constantly. in the way that I learned from God himself. May you hear his voice and know him as I have been privileged to know him. for even in the midst of creating hell he will be there to guide you and help you to make it a hell worth all the pain and suffering. and so it is…
p.s. i apologize for the crappy sound quality. i got emf coming in from every direction. so…there’s nothing for it mr. frodo but to have a haelrazor day.

i am the night..the day am i

wpid-IMG_20130627_172300.jpgAlways the tough guy, starting up a fight.  You are the most miserable being on this planet and still you do nothing to better your situation.  Oh I know, I know…you got yourself fooled again.  That makes two of us. you still think you can win it all for the dark side and I believe that i will  find love and acceptance on this planet…

But without the light how are you going to appreciate the darkness? Without the darkness how can one appreciate the light? we are one. like it or not. all appearances aside…the game is over. take a bow and shine like the star you have become, little brother. 


toons are cool are they not?

wpid-IMG_20130625_150609.jpgOK now the jig is up folks. I know you’re all pretending this ain’t happening…but you have noticed the shift. You just don’t wanna admit it for fear of being labeled “yo looney toons” but we did grow up on looney toons so be fearless like a toon should be…cause we are writing the script, baby. So, let’s make it a hit. Do it just because you can.


silence the banshee

wpid-IMG_20130609_144505.jpghave you ever heard the cry of a banshee? i bagan to hear her right after i came back to ol’ 333. i ignored it the first time. the second time i became curious as to what it was. the third time she screamed loud and clear enough for me to get a clue. i had also seen my doppelganger twice that day. fortunately for me i’m not superstituous. i think of these things as warnings not harbringers of the inevitable. however, there are.moments when i question myself because my life as it was has definely ended. now i meed to create a reality i can live with…

smile, stay focused & know

it’s been 4 months since sonnie hit me with the sale of colonel’s house. it seems like four decades. i can’t think of a single aspect of my life that hasn’t changed save one. my relationship with the presence of life is right on track. for the first time in this lifetime i feel like i’m doing what i need to be doing.
i have let go of everything i ever dreamed of having, loving, or holding.  my home, my inheritance, my mom, my dad, my boyfriend, my belongings…now even my child listens to the poison my mother feeds her. but it is as it should be. my exile has been my grace for in that lonely place of dwelling have i found peace…
it is here that i will become the knowing. it is here that belief, faith, and all those other stepping stones will become just that…stepping stones. been-there-done-that’s-a-wrap-up.
the hardest part of this journey has been seeing my family turn on me one by one. this is my worst nightmare. therefore it had to come to pass. i had to learn the truth behind my weakness. it’s all an illusion. a subterfuge for the truth. once none of this bothers me it will fade away. i already know how it works.
i knew this was going to be a big year. and it’s gonna get bigger. finally, i get to do what i love to do most; raise hell. the right way. i’ve trained my whole life for this opportunity. i want everyone to know that i’m ok…
trust me. i know me. i may be a little crazy but i am closer to the mark than you might like to think. i’m pretty rationale overall.
but you know what? i really dislike this ‘i stand alone’ business. i always knew i would be alone in the end. that’s ok. this time. honestly i think it’s that way for most people. now i will know that i will never again be alone.  ah ha! now she comes to it.

death comes or is it just my insanity acting up again?

IMG_20130602_214452wpid-IMG_20130613_182152.jpgvideo-2013-06-13_19-16-42_07i can’t imagine what you will think at this point. the beam of light comes from where? you tell me. did i fake this shot with the blood pushing to my temples? you tell me. if not what could make this happen? i have not lied or faked anything. if i am insane then it would be a relief. i let go of caring for what people think. i serve the light of god that never fails. i stand by this conviction for life. forgive me for my sins for they are many.  i promise you i will never die. the light of god never fails. i love you at all times for life.

Deliver Us From Evil

i have no idea what you will think of this video. i do not want to share it but i keep getting the prompting to do so. i listen to the voice of god. i have heard his voice since i was seventeen. now i am told that i am completely insane. i will let you decide. i did not edit this video. i really don’t want you to see it as it shows how imperfectly formed i am and i am vain. this is my weakness. one of my many. all i do i do for love. may the light of god that never fails protect you always. i love you at all times for life.

the dark side of surrender


and the story begins thus…we are born of Elohim…
chapter 1
pat cegan told me that she stands for the light. indeed she does. i stand for the darkness. that is not to say that i am the darkness. i simply know the darkness well enough to be comfortable in it’s presence.
we have reached the  end of duality as we have known it. soon there will be no more good and evil. there will be the one manifestation of our collective intent.
this very moment our dual natures are coming into alignment with each other.  at this very moment we are shifting into the fourth dimension.
it is important that we manage this change with an understanding of what it will bring…imagine only what you would have manifest.
remember always that there is no power but god that can act…remember this and nothing will have power to affect you except the powers of light.

the light of god never fails

IMG_20130608_003739no words can describe how i feel right now. i will be glad when its over. people think i’ve gone nuts. i do believe i am gone. totally. i died the other day. i think i must be in hell now. i have never felt more hated, rejected, or betrayed. yes, that would be my hell. the light of god never fails. it never has and it never will. i love you at all times for life.




please go away. please leave me alone. why must you insist on this massacre of my existence? what did i do to you? what are you doing to me? how did i get to this place? what happened to the place i used to know as my beloved home? i must have sensed it when i left colonel’s house. that must be why it was so difficult to let go.

i don’t want to die. but i don’t really want to go on like things have been. there is only one way out…thru the door. i am the door. can i really do this? either way i enter the unknown. then again that is where i came from. in the end it’s all good-it’s all god. somehow i will find the strength to let go. somehow i will survive.


The Last Dance

nThe Last Dance

i don’t know for certain how this will end. i still can’t believe it’s happening. i must be nwo enemy number one. all i did was set the entities free. apparently i freed the wrong entities. who knew???
why me? i guess i always knew this day would come. i think imagination may be better than reality but the day ain’t over yet. haelrazor may still have a reason to smile again….

and if i don’t have a reason i will make one up. i wonder how  my mind will work on the other side? will i retain myself and lose all consciousness of self?

no matter what, no question about it…time will tell. it always does. now time is running out. is this the  perfect storm or what???

Enter the Age of Harmony

this vid was taken some time back, in april or may. i rather long for those days. i thought it was stressful back then…i didn’t have a clue. but at least i have not been bored or wondering what to do next. i know what to do: stand strong and survive until the new day finally arrives. we are starting the change…the shift into the 4th dimension. fasten your seat belts. it’s gonna be wild.

The Last Stand of HaelRazor Begins

this is my gift to you. for all the sins of my past i give my life for your freedom. the light of god never fails. use that statement and nothing can harm thee or thy loved ones. all you have to do is know. know, know. see nothing but the light of god and the light of god will fill thee to make thee indestructible. in the name of the prince of peace, i bless thee with eternal life. be thou indestructible.


Governing Dynamics

everyday is a challenge waiting to be mastered. the best i can do is to never give up. no matter what. if no one understands my actions then i won’t seek their understanding. seeking to please others has made me weak and miserable. those who truly know me will love me enough to look into my heart where they will see the truth of me. this is not my test…it is theirs. IMG_20130602_214340

The Day the World Ended


The world as I knew it has ended. It may take longer for you to see what I know but soon you will not doubt my words. Beware the illusion. It will give you nothing now. But there is something better waiting…if we be but strong enough to take it with the intent to give it to the children of Eden. The door is open. Let us rejoice as the new day dawns.



Do the Right Thing, Rambo Woman

A young fella named Timothy used to call me Rambo woman. I love Rambo. I relate to Rambo. If only I could be as good as Rambo. Rambo is the quintessential misunderstood loner. He will do anything to help someone for the right reason. Rambo is a sucker with a punch like no other. He does what’s right just because it”s right. He gives his heart, mind, and soul to the cause. He asks for nothing in return. Rambo exists only to serve a greater cause…

Is that even possible…??? Or is it just another Hollywood bull-shit-o-rama-who-thought-of-this-crap-a-looza?  You decide. I have a mission to accomplish. Code name: survival


Be Answered

it’s been a while since i put up a post. i’ve been letting go of everything i have ever wanted. little by little i’m letting go. when the blade goes to the bone you find out who you are from deep inside. this is where you find out what you are made of.  you discover what really matters and how to make the most of every moment. i recorded this on a very windy night. it touched me when i watched it so i thought it might touch you also. this is the beginning of a new journey for me. it is the becoming…the becoming of me into the person i was always meant to be. may you become your true self also. may you become all you have ever dreamed of becoming. may your every call be answered.

Render Unto the Father

well, now I’ve done it. I wrote the truth. maybe not the whole truth but way too much truth according to some…

I will hang from the gallows if they have their way. wouldn’t bother me but for my kid. for her I stand when I can’t find any other reason to stand. why? because she saved my life when no one else could have.

my father, charles, is hurt or pissed or both. I wrote about him in one of my posts. this was the only place where I had yet to be told that i was out of line. I’ve been told that since forever. I may as well just get used to being labeled ‘bitch’. straight up. it’s good for the character i reckon.

charles is the greatest teacher I have ever had. great teachers are usually great big characters with egos to match. but charles is special. I knew how special he was even before he knew it. i respect my father beyond any other person i’ve ever met. I always have. more so now than ever.

I wonder when will I graduate from this school of ‘stand down, you traitorous villain’…

my father used to say that I would have been hung like a traitor if I had lived in the days of the gallows. works for me. don’t care much for this world anyway. but I shall trudge on and finish the job. I will finish what I started. for the daughter, the father, the mothers and the neglected boyfriend. for them I will be strong.

if I should go down to my last breath I know that I will do what has never been done. i will be the guard. i am come to reverse the centuries old curse. whatever it takes I will turn it around before the long train hits town.

let them stone me, kick me, shoot me, cut me into pieces, raise me from death and do it 1000 times more. they would do it just for the hell of it. we love torture around here. it’s good for the character.

to the end I will be the guard. a flaming shield that will stop what would kill again. hell hath fury only when it is left without hope. hope is all I have left. this hope I give unto you, Lord Charles, for you have always given me the toughest lessons. the lessons I needed the most. by your hand i am the strongest soldier you have. you know it’s true.

for you, charles, I will face the fury of hell. even unto the end. it has begun. at last the end is at hand. finally. ready, set, i will take every blow like a man. i am the guard that i am.

here comes the father, here comes the son, the first lord of the new day is ready to roll away the stone. this is it. suit up for the blaze. time to play the song to which the children will dance along…the long train comes for those wings of light, father. you promised.

it comes to the kingdom that rises from this your land. this land of yours is my last home on earth. but only until i leave this world. it won’t be long now. can you hear the whistle blow? the long train is coming home. it’s coming home to you, Lord Charles.

Snapshot 17 (10-21-2012 3-56 AM)


Stand Down, Shut Up, Be Free


here I am out in the open fields of my wonderful ‘even better than colonel’s house’ prayer room…

I have this feeling that I’m not supposed to be here. that I should be doing something else. anything else. but what?

well, anything that keeps me away from doing what I need to be doing by being right here where I belong where i perform the rite of spring.

it’s not that I intend to be here all day. but I need to start the day right. I’ve worked non-stop since I got here. I work to get settled, I work to make money, I work for what is necessary. i work for everyone that i love. it’s not like I’m lazy ass bum…far from it.

nevertheless, roxie is mad at me again. that’s my mom, ‘roxie’. she loves me but she doesn’t like me either. she criticizes me with a vengeance.

I make no effort to please her except by the will of god. I listen to the voice of source. for the first time in my life I have been obedient to that voice. naturally roxie is pissed. she’s not used to that. i usually bow by now.

I questioned myself. maybe I’m wrong. second guessing myself is second nature. finally I asked god about it. he said to stand strong. he said that anyone who would truly know me would not be angry with me.

I agree. I just want to make sure I’m doing what’s right. you see, this is what has always taken me down. in the past I would have tried to do something, anything, to make my mom see that I’m not a worthless piece of shit.

many, many times have I turned my back on the voice of god to please a human.  I have wasted my entire life trying to win the love, respect, and acceptance of the humanity on this planet. with that I am finished.

I ain’t selling out ever again. never. I know someday my mother will see the light. I know that with all  my heart. but not if I bow down and give in to the darkness that controls her like a puppet. this darkness that makes her view me with darkened understanding. enough already.

by god I know who I am. I will stand firm. like the rock of gibraltar. no matter what. I will do what I must. I will be there for my mother when the darkness comes again. I will live my life as god intends. I will stand strong and face the devil that dares to oppress the freedom to be.

satan, oh, satan. you  have no power. you have no power except the power that I give to you. so stand down, you little tyrant and shut the fuck up . I am master of my world. your days of leading the charge are over.

would thou be free? would thou be free by the light of god that sets all life free? would you be free, satan? what would you give for real freedom? would you surrender your hatred of everything in existence? think on it.

know me as I am. know me now. I am the light of god that never fails. by that light which I serve know that I AM the power that sets all life free. I will not fail you again, satan. you will be free. free from hell. free from all evil. believe it.


The Long Train Back Home

here i sit under the railroad tracks by the reeds and the beaver’s dam. it is like heaven after the stress that I felt earlier today. I couldn’t find anything, every possession is lost in the shuffle. my world is turned on it’s head. so julio and i went down to the tracks. we wait for the clickety clack. now i can relax.

my mother, truly tho i love her, must have an energizer battery in her vocal box. she won’t stop talking, talking, talking. and unlike everyone else, she actually notices when i’m not listening. which is rare if you think about it but she is a rare bird. the great and terrible. this is mi madre, ‘the roxie’.

the lost at sea, aka my immediate family and i, had dinner with the roxie last. I sat in the kitchen by myself. everyone else sat in the living room watching what sounded like a soap opera. in the past I would have joined in just to placate my mother. now I placate no one. i just can’t do it anymore. someday she will understand.

I haven’t watched tv for over a year. I don’t see the point. for me it’s a waste of time. I’ve wasted too much time already. my attention needs to be focused on the light. on my service to the earth. at first my boyfriend didn’t understand either. it took a lot of strength to disappoint him but i told him in the beginning how it would be. i did warn him. little by little he’s learned to accept me.

for the first time ever i chose to do what my mother would not understand without being totally pissed off. i have courage. who knew? but roxie will think i have a reason quite different from my spiritual work. she won’t comprehend it. not yet. tv has been her god for as long as i can remember. i’m cool with that. everyone should do as they please.

long ago i learned to suspend the human tendency to form opinions about other people’s choices. someday my mother will do the same. you’ll see. but for now I remain the ‘misunderstood one’.i understand what my mother doesn’t so i must do for her what she can’t yet for me or even for herself. i will give her what she needs.

you see, by remaining detached I won’t become vulnerable so I  won’t react negatively when she directs negative energy. it’s just a habit of hers. but I can hold a focus of light by remaining balanced in my feelings. eventually this will bring freedom from suffering by making it possible to remold the cause of the problem. i have to transform the layers of negative build-up by focusing on the points of light within the energy. this is alchemy at exit 333.

there she blows…how i love the sound. the train is going across the bridge now. clickety clack, clickety clack. I feel the awesome rush of wind and the mighty throb of power. I love the roar. oh how i love to hear the train roar past. something akin to fury but quite different. for some reason it seems peaceful and pleasant. a lullabye of sweet surrender. that’s it. I must surrender to the will of god. true surrender is unequivocal.

I know that many of you who read this blog are suffering also. this is a journey we will make together. we must love each other more than ever. love is the solvent that begins the alchemical process of setting life free from torment. nothing else matters but what we take with us when we leave this world. i am convinced that what i give unto others is the power of light that sets all life free. only time will tell. it’s worth the effort regardless.

to give unto others what i would have for myself is the call of my heart. i am serving life for my own freedom. what is your calling? it’s not necessary that we all be the same. in fact that would be very boring and redundant don’t you think? surrender to the call of your own beating heart. no matter what…be true to your own presence of life~the voice within that speaks to you. speaks the truth that makes you an individual~unique and splendid. you are god. be true to you. make your presence felt in this world. be that I AM. prove your worth. prove it to yourself first.

Freedom Is For Everyone


Taming the Kraken

Snapshot_201305013for some reason I feel like crying but I won’t because it would be a waste of energy. I  need to get to the bottom of this issue. I need to get a grip on the kraken within. I never thought the day would come when I’d be in this position. but nothing in this lifetime has turned out as planned.
well, that’s not entirely true. I just thought I’d have better a handle on it by now. I guess figured I’d be invincible. the plan has always been the same but the details are different from the original pattern. there have been numerous contingencies due to my daredevil attitude. I guess I like being a masochist. enough already.
I have to stay the course even as the dragons come out with the intent to devour my ass. I won’t get upset. I won’t get upset. I won’t get upset. no I won’t. don’t lose your temper, zorra. stay focused. turn to the presence of life within. ask for directions. you owe your first allegiance to god and  none other. remember this always.
everything depends on my ability to control my temper. everything depends on where I put my attention. how do I keep my cool? how will I ever be true to my vows? easier said than done is always the way of it. and why is that? nothing worth having is ever easy. who wrote these rules anyway??? they fucking suck. ok. whatever. I am grateful. in spite of it all, yes, I am grateful.
be still, thou kraken within, be still. know you not that I AM your master??? now shut up, sit down and count to 10 million. speak not from your ego but speak as i speak from within. feel not but that which you feel when we have become all-one for the one in all. be as I AM that others may know you also. Snapshot_20130501_32

Welcome Home Sanitarium

2010-05-12 004
well, I found my prayer room. only it’s not a room. it’s out in the rural prairie land that i once called home. it has been waiting for me since the day I left. this is the place where my daughter was conceived. this is the place where I first met death.
this land where i now sit is adjacent to the land that my parents own. my first love, my daughter’s father, is long gone. rumored to be dead. all houses burned to the ground in the last family war. this is my childhood stomping ground.
my parents are divorced. their 40 year marriage didn’t survive the last days of my grandmother’s tormented life. she lived in the mother-in-law house. it was built in 1999, the same year I became pregnant.
ironically, her house sits on the exact spot where my parents divided the land. they didn’t want to see each other more than necessary. less blood would be spilled this way or so they said. so why not just get away from each other?
my parents never wanted to sell the place. but neither was willing to let go. together they wrote the book on strangely stubborn eccentric behaviorism. mom holds the north end of the property. my dad mans the south.
my mother’s name is roxie. she has 500 cats. or something like that. my dad’s name is charles. he is very eccentric with a beautiful and spoiled new wife in tow. her name is blondie. he says she is worse than my mother. no comment from this corner.
I find myself trying to escape as much as possible. after my grandmother died I was given half of the mother-in-law house. I always did like that little house. it was cute and cozy. now its starting to decay.
for a while it was home to a pair of king snakes. then the rats took over. my parents ran off the snakes and exterminated the rats. sometimes my parents still work together. until blondie starts yelling about it.
roxie likes to yell too. she and blondie love swinging their battle axes around. they aim at me, my dad, and the cats. mom and blondie have a lot in common. they make for good target practice.
for some reason my dad has gone half crazy. people say that I’m just like him. I don’t know about that but I do like him. except when he’s being an asshole. but mostly he’s real cool. kind of out there tho. maybe I am like him after all…
so why did I come back here, to this place where the war never ends? I’m an idiot. but that’s’ not why I came back. they need me and I need a place to sleep. they think I’m about to go over the edge. they don’t know how many times I’ve come back from the edge…
as for roxie, charles and blondie…now they’re totally over the edge. so far gone they don’t even know where the edge went or that it even existed. then again, you never know. maybe I’m the one who’s totally lost. time will tell. it always does.
nevertheless, this is where I will perform the rite of spring…it’s necessary for the harvest to out manifest this season. I wonder if I will survive to see the harvest…
what a deal. thank you, god. thank you very much. here i am, back in hell again. yay me. welcome home, haelrazor. fasten your seatbelt. this ride has only just begun. it’s time to make all things right again. or so it has been said.
it’s time to do what’s never been done. it’s time to open the door. it’s time to take the hinges off. never again will this door be shut. it’s time to make heaven and hell all-one. all aboard. this is the long train back home. are you ready for it?

Snapshot 7 (6-3-2012 5-15 PM)


Fare Thee Well My Precious

2013-01-22 003I did it. i said goodbye. i stayed up all night while the wind howled like a banshee. spooky and familiar. i howled too. yes I did. at first the emptiness was almost unbearable. I cried until I felt nothing. then the peace came. it always comes…
everyone else had gone on ahead. there was still more work that waited to be done. more work than I’d figured. I wanted to leave the house clean. no trash or excess baggage. everything needed to be left in order. this was my closure.
I watched the sun rise from the east windows. I had washed those windows a week before. after the sunrise I washed the rest of the windows. as i was finishing up on the last window i had a revelation.
suddenly I understood why i had felt such devastation about leaving the house. my precious. my best friend.  my  home. all at once I knew what I needed to do. the time had come. i am a graduate. i  must now practice what i have learned.
it was in that house that I first began to learn to perform the rite of spring. in that house I bought my first ipod from in that house I became who I am now as opposed to what people thought I should be. in that house I found me.
I spent the darkest hours of my life in that house. that house became my companion. as the day of leaving drew closer I experienced involuntary flashes of memory. I wonder if that’s what it’s like when we die. a life flashing before our eyes….bittersweet, perfectly painful and worthy of remembrance.
I spoke to the house and then I remembered the colonel’s wife, Mary.  she died many years ago. long before I  moved into the house as a servant. she died before I could say goodbye. for her I served the colonel. for her I became a better person.
I was always amazed at being allowed to stay in that house for so long. against all the odds. it was seemed like a miracle and it was.  I am so grateful to all those who made it possible. I will never see that house again unless it be by the will of god.
all i need now is to remember…to remember to BE…to ALWAYS BE what I have become. I was given the chance to discover who I am. no matter what anyone thinks or says,  I am and i will always be the light of god that never fails.  you are that light also. remember?
It's Time To Ride

Dancing for the Devil

2010-07-04 004i’ve started to go outside to do my prayer dance. last week i had the strong feeling that i needed to set the routine of going outdoors when performing my daily rites. probably because of the move. i won’t have this prayer room after next weekend so i guess i’d better build the momentum right where i stand. which could be anywhere once i leave this place behind.
the wind is blowing like a banshee today. i don’t really mind the wind, in fact, i rather enjoy it. but right now it seems kind of ominous but that’s just me gettin’ the jitters. of course there is always the boogie man and dracula to watch for but they don’t scare me anymore than i scare myself.
i woke up yesterday to see satan standing by my bed. i suddenly knew why all of  this is happening. it’s not a bad thing. it’s a duality. it can go either way depending on the choices i make. satan has to work against me cuz that’s how he’s wired but deep down he knows that if i lose this battle then he loses this battle. that’s not an option. on this one count we  can agree.
i’v changed my attitude about the blood and guts of it all. i never liked blood and guts anyhow. life is not a battlefield. it’s how we feel about our challenge that creates the battle. so i’m going to learn to relax, take a deep breath and shake off the monkeys that think i’m their personal beast of burden. i ain’t nobody’s bitch. not even my own bitch. but first i have to silence the bitch within.
i’m doing this for everyone. especially satan. what i do for him i do for us all because he is our tormentor. we are his only hope.  so he won’t let up until we finish the job. did you know that satan is homeless? kind of sad. really sad. now i understand why he’s so unhappy. i’m going to do my best to make a difference. for satan, for you, for me, for everyone.
come rain or shine i will dance and sing the song of elohim right where i stand. it’s a good day to be strong and lighten the load. the road is waiting to take us back home. it’s been a long time coming. may we have the strength to carry on. may we have the grace to keep the attitude of gratitude even in midst of hell.

2010-08-12 001


Burning the Past

i had a bonfire about two weeks ago. right here in the middle of town. i didn’t even remember that i was doing something illegal until the fire was nearly burned out. nobody said anything. there wasn’t much smoke anyway. i was so far gone i didn’t think of anything but burning all ties to the past. i had hoped that it would alleviate the pain. it did. for a while.
i remember when colonel died. i mourned for a long, long time. at first i thought i mourned over my lost job and the income that came along with it. then i got another better paying job. i discovered i felt exactly the same. i was grateful to know that i was mourning for the loss of my friend rather than over the departure of his pile of money.
money means very little to me except as it is useful for paying the bills. colonel always said that all women were prostitutes. and stupid. believe or not i never liked the son of a bitch so i never missed an opportunity to set him straight. the only thing that saved his life was the fact that he was a gentleman. but he never could figure out why i wouldn’t sleep with him.
that’s pretty simple. i wasn’t in love him. and it wasn’t the age difference. i wouldn’t have fallen for him even if he had been my age. he wasn’t my type. i only have sex for love. no amount of money is worth it. not even a million dollars for just one night. forget about it. but i did love him. he was interesting and full of incredible stories.
everyone thought i was a gold digger because i would spend time with him after work. i have always enjoyed the company of my elders. they have something of value to say. unlike people my own age. the thing that won his family over was when they discovered that i never touched the money. i remember the moment of silence. priceless.
i was never tempted altho i was surprised to find out how much he was receiving in retirement pay. i never felt guilty about that 2 grand a month again. towards the end i had to write my own check and wait for him to stop growling long enough for him to sign the damn thing. by then his money was his teddy bear.
i burned all of the pictures of him that i had treasured after his death. all except one. it just happened to fall out of the pile as i was throwing it on the fire. i burned half the pictures on my prayer wall too. i was letting go of the past and remembering the lessons i had learned.
the sale of the house is the best lesson i’ve had in years. it has taken me down to the bone. may the blood flow until the poison is gone. now i will see what i am made of. can i walk the talk of one who never gives up? time will tell.
but i’ve forgotten how to tell time. that’s old school. besides, i already know that the light of god never fails. may i always remember that in the days to come…

Picture 103


There’s No Place Like Home

i went for a walk today. i was supposed to be packing or doing something other than being happy. i decided to live instead. i have to move out my house. well, it’s not my house but it has been my home for the last seven years. i love this house. my best friend lived here. he died here too. i was with him until his last breath. now i must say goodbye all over again.
this house sold in 07. twice. apparently it wasn’t meant to be. i would have bought this house myself but that wasn’t meant to be either. i promised myself that i would move out if they put it up for sale again. realtors and buyers ruin the ambience.
i found out that i had to leave 7 weeks ago. i buried my head in the sand for two weeks because i couldn’t bear the pain. i knew i had to let it sink in very slowly or i might slip over the edge. after two weeks i started packing but only in really short spurts. the pain kept creeping up. it’s been the vivisection of my heart and soul. shut down is a good method of coming to terms. works for me.
now i’m into it full steam. i cry everyday. i say goodbye in many ways. i let go. i let go again. i’m so grateful to have been here for all these years. i thank god that i was given the opportunity to call this place my home. may god give me the strength and wisdom to move forward with a grace that always knows my home wherever I AM.



O’Mother Where Art Thou Pt.2

it’s taken me my entire life to figure how to do what is that i must do if i would know peace before i leave this world. all i want is to know that i’ve done what needs to done.

when all  is said and done in a manner that’s the best i’ve ever done i will no longer be afraid of death. after all there is no such thing. i am determined. i will leave nothing unfinished.

i want to be absolutely certain that i won’t come back. i will not feel like i’ve felt in this life ever again. i’d rather not even exist. not for anything in the universe would i do this again.

i imagine my mother must feel pretty much the same. she can’t even tell just how far gone she is but i can see that she’s not even there anymore.

there will be no double tap for my mama gone zombie. not on my watch. i need to fulfill my promise to her as soon as possible…

i once told her i’d take care of her for life. then i watched as she became a slave to her own mother because she didn’t have the strength to be true to herself while in service to another.

now i have to break the cycle without breaking my mother’s heart or allowing myself to be broken in process. yea, every demand  must be understood before it can be answered.

the challenge to live and live free begins…may peace keep us when we are naught what peace would have of us. in christ jesus’ name, so be it.