dare to be the truth

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have you ever noticed how often we lie? look closely…

how often do we really say exactly what is in our hearts?

Don’t we filter and twist everything we say for one reason or another?

we change what our hearts say to be acceptable, or to elicit a desired response…

upon closer examination we can see that our motive for lying is always based on doubt and. fear.

sometimes we have to dig down to the very roots to realize this truth.

i avoid hurting people’s feelings…

i avoid making people angry…


i doubt my authority as a co-creator..

and i am afraid to allow my higher self, the great I AM who always knows the right thing to say, to take charge of this outer self.


because i fear to be rejected by the humans…

who in the end will reject me no matter what i say or do until they find their own truth.

and i doubt that the presence of life will be there for me when no else cares to stand with me…

but life has proven itself to me again and again. 

so l release this doubt and fear because it no longer serves me.

i allow others to be themselves.  i have the right to be myself…

t’s called free will with which God himself will not interfere.





my daughter says I’ve become hardened.

well i can tell you i didn’t get there all by my lonesome.

not that i mind.  i rather like the bitch within. 

or the inner bitch as david jones once called it.

but there is a balance to be maintained. 

so if you see in black and white the grey zone must hold it’s own. 

that’s where wisdom comes in.  but wisdom typically comes thru experience.

unless you’re one of the smart ones who actually listen when the teacher speaks.


your prayer

i danced in a park today. i have been told to go forth and give my service. i don’t like the idea. what if someone makes fun of me? what if i screw up and make a fool of myself?
well, i’ve already made a fool of myself. and so what if someone laughs at me? or makes an obnoxious remark…
am i made of glass? performing is easy. putting my ideology out there for the world to mock and criticize is not so easy. not for me.
people in new york perform in the streets. i hear that new yorkers have thick skin. maybe it’s time for california to catch up to new york…
did i ever tell you that i i ;plan to go  to the big apple, but not until i hit every state in the union.
yeah, yeah, dream on, haelrazor.

may the force be with us

original image by

life is full of surprises.
it is also full of instinctive moves that at first may not make sense.
when i started following Troythulu’s blog i did so because of his sense of humor.
i love a rapier wit.
as i became  acquainted with him i discovered a kindred spirit.
it doesn’t matter that our ideologies appear to be opposite.
Troythulu, thru his awesome fractals, provides me with the clarified vision i need…
the vision i need to pursue the unbelievable.
yes, life is full of surprises.
thank you, Troythulu.
you make me feel better, do better, see better, …
you bring me closer to what i seek.
thru your visionary art…
i see the solution to every problem.
now there is only one thing left to do…
prove it.
you inspire me to continue.
thank you, Troythulu.



what do you seek?


i confess…
i am extroverted…
for an introvert.
i love people…
at arm’s length.
i am a loner…
i can’t do this alone.
i need you…
you need me.
i’ll be a friend to anyone…
i won’t allow anyone to pretend to be my friend.
i wear my heart on my sleeve…
my mind should also be on my sleeve.
i don’t trust myself…
i must have integrity to survive your wrath.
i am honest…
i only lie to protect myself from judgement.
i am serving life…
for my  own freedom.
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the value of life


as you see me…so shall i be


 The way you see people is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they become.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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true love

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the need

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please stop


i did this to myself.  i did it to stop the pain.  physical pain is nothing compared to emotional pain.

there are times when I’d like to pull the plug on the bitch that has not yet learned to obey.

i talked to god about it.  he listens.  no one else hears me. he will answer with a solution.  he always answers my calls.

i hold the vision.  i keep it steady.  if i am wrong then i will continue.  i will always continue. I am to be continued forever.

life never ceases to exist. it is just energy and energy doesn’t discriminate.  that’s my job.  and a full time job it is…you can bet your life on that.

hey, boss, can i get paid cash today?  I’m outta oreos. thank you. thank you very much.



a holiday-who-be-wha-tee?


i find it comical to see how often i revert to the jim carrey in me. 

i find it devastating to see how maniacally bi-polar i have become.

why did i care so much about other people’s opinions?  why did i wait until the end of days to get myself right?

i never met anyone who was in the same mode of thought as myself.  no one has ever truly understood my view point. 

every person i have ever known has pushed and pulled me where i told them i couldn’t go.

now i am condemned for not doing a better job of making it easier on everyone. typical. 

thank you.  thank you,  very much. i needed that.  obviously.



night and day are equal


i don’t trust.  i must always trust.

i see evil everywhere.  i see no evil.

you are death.  you are life.

we are individual.  we are indivisible.

silence is not the way of the American. i am silence. i am American.

what say you? are you red, white, and blue???

even as a red alone i love you for i am one with all… i am the reign-bow.

if it rains blood i know that all is well for the blood is the life.

life is what we all seek no matter what path we choose along the way to the destination.



crazy or not…run it.


in case you haven’t noticed i have finally gotten over my fear of being labeled ‘nutcase’.  now i just need to figure out which part of my consciousness deserves recognition.

i remember now… 

an appearance of anything less than the fulfillment of the great plan of infinite creation should be immediately kicked to the curb. 

now that sounds crazy.  works for me.  now let’s see if i can work it. i feel a dance coming on…


Indomitable by James Fielden


in the beginning

original image by Troythulu@
i love this image. it epitomizes every sublime thought and feeling that drives me to do whatever is necessary to make a lasting difference. it is the outer expression of my thrust for existence. it is bold. it is somewhat hard. yet it is pure. it is innocent and wise. it is heaven and hell in perfect harmony. yet it is still evolving into something  that the imagination can only barely imagine.

love all that all may live

i need you to speak to me the truth of your heart. i need you to be unto me as i am unto you. if i screw up, tell me that i screwed up, but please don’t wait until you are ready to kill me. it’s hard to be good without guidance.

silence me


day and night the devil lived


It’s hard getting used to the derision.  i thought i was a likeable person. 

thank god I’ve gotten over that ignorant assumption.

now i know i’m an arrogant hot dog dirt bag jesus wanna be. but who hasn’t dreamed of being the greatest?

being the greatest doesn’t mean to be better than others.  it means to become the fullest expression of what you have to offer…

are you living up to your full potential?  if so,  then you are the greatest expression of your true self in action.

but don’t get stuck on satisfied.  there is always going to be room for evolution. always.


Oh, to Learn

and such a useful lesson on our path to being the truth of our individual selves in action.

Source of Inspiration


I am struggling to learn
how to be calm in the face
of conflict. To state my
position with no excuses
or lists of explanations.
To quietly present, letting
the other person choose how
he wishes to react while
retaining my serenity.

View original post


grace be with you


i want to cry and savor the intensity of the experience…
that would be naught but selfish intent for how would that bless others?
my heart has broken so often since that fateful day in feb when sonnie pulled the trigger.
i never would have imagined such a parade of change…
by the way did you know that Able drew first blood?  Cane only killed him for the pain of being betrayed by the brother he would have died to protect.
a foul temper doth make one appear to be wholly foul even if you be in all other aspects perfect.
isn’t it odd the way things work?  nothing is as it appears it would seem. and all things change.
be then the master of every change.


A Prayer For The Wounded by jamesfielden on SoundCloud

thank you,  James.



empty love to fill with love- no more sorrow


Peace be with you for life.  be happy.  be free.  be the man of god you desire to become.  and remember no matter what i will always love you and i will always be with you.

the release



no stranger to the threshold


i have to take a closer look at this image.  its hard to see everything on this phone. sometimes i think i get to trippin a bit but other times i know i am seeing the truth. how do i know difference ? well, i just turn on the light and get a better look.  then i use my brain and my heart (what’s left of them)  and i find the answer that servres a purpose yet makes enough sense to stand the test of time…

time spent in the storm. if it doesn’t hold up in the storm then forget about it. fair weather proof is only half the picture.



gutting out the perfect storm


i confess…i do not appreciate getting my ass kicked.  it sucks.

i was recently asked if i was in an abusive relationship.  isn’t everybody? 

i never knew any manner of relationship that didn’t include some form of abuse. usually the abuse is emotional.

personally i would rather take a physical beating. but i guess what doesn’t kill ya builds ya. 

but what happens when you’ve been built enough to withstand any storm…?

I’m thinking we could reinvent the perfect storm…

tame it, ride  it. become the eye and drive it.

original image by


super beam me


here we have these beams of light and energy…

are they good? are they bad?  are they from outer space? signs of an alien invasion? or are they just a figment of my insane imagination?

from what i gather the answer would be ‘ all of the above’…

when properly understood,  will these rays produce whatsoever we desire, require,  or imagine..?

they say thoughts and feelings manifest almost instantly in the fourth dimensionif so, then, i guess we better be careful with the ol ‘imagination mojo. cause we’ll be hitting fourth gear just about now.  

may the force be with us.



silent death, silent resurrection


whatever the case may be i can’t give up. 

now i know why i need to remain uninvolved.

i don’t want to be alone but i can manage this one last time. 

if you can’t be kind to me now don’t cry after I’m gone.

i don’t need you.  i only love you. 

i let you too close again.

you are the blade in the dark.

withdraw the blade.  let the blood fllow.

may i never feel pain again.



the going out of haelrazor


happily i will walk this path  or i will leave this world trying.  i love my family so much.  but they seem to have lost all love for me.

i wonder if i actually died that day in the house out by the buttes. did i get stuck in between?  was i given more time?  or is this how it is when you die? 

i don’t plan to come back.  so I’m gonna tie up every loose end and make every worthy dream come true.  for you.  for me.  for karen.  for bonnie.  for peggy.  for pat. for victorya.  especially for victorya. 

i will never leave you.  i promise.  no matter what i will always love you and i will always be with you. 



building towers of communication


original image by Troythulu@

always have i concealed myself.  not for deceit but protection.  protection against what?  you.  the human. so quick to judge,  ridicule and lay blame. 

nevertheless,  I love you.  why?  because i can.  it makes me happy to expand the fire inside to those outside.

i dwell within the sacred fire of all creation. you think not?  then why so interested? forget about me.  forget this blog.  why bother?  worthless am i not?

or be honest with yourself.  be honest. try it and be surprised.

welcome to the haven.  we are heaven and hell all one. come inside and let your heart be warmed by the son of god that you have become.



walk determined


we all suffer.  finding worth in the suffering gives a value to every gift God has given and taken. learning to look up and smile through the despair shows how valuable we can be if but given the opportunity to rise and try again.



a million dollars and a fast car

once upon a time this was my answer when asked if i wanted anything:
a million dollars and a fast car…
i wonder…would  a million dollars and fast car be useful to me now? you would still hunt , follow, harass, shock, shake, and rattle my brain-cage like crazy.
what good would a million dollars and fast car be then?
well i could run you over if my car were a semi-automatic-locomotive bat mobile and  i could use my million to get lost. lost. lost.
but this planet ain’t’ big enough for me to hide. you would just come back wearing different bodies. doubled in number.
and my loco bat mobile would be wrecked atop a pile of zombie-fied kill the freak machines cause i’m sure to run out of gas before i run out of zombies.
ok so what do i want now? nothing. nothing at all. nothing that i haven’t already had…
how about you? what do you want seek???
 you want to know my secret. you want to know how i survived that many blasts without permanent brain damage.
well, who say’s my brain wasn’t already damaged??? or maybe i’m a zombie too.
ok i admit it.  i pray a lot. and i’m a half zombie with friends in high places. apparently they want me to gut this gig out.
yay me. ain’t that’s great???
who wrote this freaking script??? i’m getting bored, bored, bored.
how about you? are you bored too? i know, i know you just want to get it over with…
but i can’t die. not yet. well, actually…never. it’s a long story…
anyway, there’s still more work to do. there is a world full  of work to do and little time to do it. so, how about we join forces?
i’ll show you where the power is if you show me that your heart is real. the other guys will leave you empty handed and you know it. think about it.
welcome to ‘the chronicles’ where a good time is always waiting in line behind the next electro mojo blow yo ass up show.
cool. science and black magic. wait til i tell Troythulu…
bravo, kids, bravo.
but ypu could do better.  you could start with being honest. even have some fun n the process. that’s where being a haelrazor and the New Day starts.



i have a dream


when i was very young i used to imagine that i would be a traveling dancer. i would perform  anywhere i was welcome, hopefully getting paid enough to avoid starvation. 

later i realized that to be a haelrazor was the goal for me…so i  began to imagine that i lived  in a big city…

or maybe i would travel from town to city to town to city….finally arriving at the big apple.

did i ever tell ya?

i love the road…and i love the night life…

i’d only come out at night (being  the lean and hungry type) seeking to find with my razor sharp night eye

all the ‘hotspots’ of electro-magnetic imbalance.  

then i’d fix’em. haelrazor style.

i saw myself running like the wind thru the streets,

doing the leap n slide over moving cars,

jumping effortlessly across the rooftops from building to building…

with guitars wailing and angels weeping…

it’s haelrazor!


stop the boat!

haelrazor to the rescue?

such a foolish rebel am i but truly i do seek to serve a just cause.

is it even possible?

anything is possible.

it’s a leap of faith, baby.  

we are haelrazors, inc.

coming soon to a hot spot near you. 




this vid  was recorded just a day or two  before i left the colonel’s house. i had forgotten how much i used to dance. my dance is called ‘your prayer’. this is  where my heart lives.  isn’t it odd how in the midst of struggle we forget that which makes the struggle cease…


the integrity of being


a dear friend of mine taught me a valuable lesson today. she and i have an understanding that we have forgotten, remembered, and forgotten…

but for her presence in my life i don’t think i would have made it this far.

oops. a little fib slipped out..

i know i would not have made it this far. she validated me when no one else could. she is my hard-line shining star. that she is…

i must also thank my earth father, lord charles. you’ve heard of him i’m sure. he’s the one who gathers all hearts to the one ‘promise’. the impossible promise. the promise that you can’t refuse…as he reaches into your heart you can’t help but say it…

‘i promise you that i will never die’

the promise works. i am living proof of the promise in action. in fact, many have seen it’s almighty power. but we doubt ourselves.

‘did i imagine that?’

‘it couldn’t be!’

‘am i nuts?

it seems to be the consensus  in my family that i’m in need of a padded cell. even my dad questions my sanity.  my dad-of all people!  can you believe that? the guy who built pyramid 333, the guy everyone has called nuts  (as it turns out he is right on target)….even he thinks i’m off my rocker…

you don’t know how frequently i question myself. but it always comes back to the same answer…

i  can’t back down and you wanna know why? because god told me to stand my ground.  god has never lied to me. he has never once turned his back on me.he told me well in advance what i’d have to face. he always does…

but for some reason it is always much easier said than done.

lord charles told me i shouldn’t write about our personal issues but this is my issue, my life, my experience. it’s time i take the helm of my world and move on down the line.

14 years ago i made the mistake of coming back here after god specifically told me that i could make it on my own. everyone suffered from that blunder o’mine. another clean up… story of my life…

i am grateful for everyday that i have been blessed by your company. peace be with you at all times for life.