here I am out in the open fields of my wonderful ‘even better than colonel’s house’ prayer room…
I have this feeling that I’m not supposed to be here. that I should be doing something else. anything else. but what?
well, anything that keeps me away from doing what I need to be doing by being right here where I belong where i perform the rite of spring.
it’s not that I intend to be here all day. but I need to start the day right. I’ve worked non-stop since I got here. I work to get settled, I work to make money, I work for what is necessary. i work for everyone that i love. it’s not like I’m lazy ass bum…far from it.
nevertheless, roxie is mad at me again. that’s my mom, ‘roxie’. she loves me but she doesn’t like me either. she criticizes me with a vengeance.
I make no effort to please her except by the will of god. I listen to the voice of source. for the first time in my life I have been obedient to that voice. naturally roxie is pissed. she’s not used to that. i usually bow by now.
I questioned myself. maybe I’m wrong. second guessing myself is second nature. finally I asked god about it. he said to stand strong. he said that anyone who would truly know me would not be angry with me.
I agree. I just want to make sure I’m doing what’s right. you see, this is what has always taken me down. in the past I would have tried to do something, anything, to make my mom see that I’m not a worthless piece of shit.
many, many times have I turned my back on the voice of god to please a human. I have wasted my entire life trying to win the love, respect, and acceptance of the humanity on this planet. with that I am finished.
I ain’t selling out ever again. never. I know someday my mother will see the light. I know that with all my heart. but not if I bow down and give in to the darkness that controls her like a puppet. this darkness that makes her view me with darkened understanding. enough already.
by god I know who I am. I will stand firm. like the rock of gibraltar. no matter what. I will do what I must. I will be there for my mother when the darkness comes again. I will live my life as god intends. I will stand strong and face the devil that dares to oppress the freedom to be.
satan, oh, satan. you have no power. you have no power except the power that I give to you. so stand down, you little tyrant and shut the fuck up . I am master of my world. your days of leading the charge are over.
would thou be free? would thou be free by the light of god that sets all life free? would you be free, satan? what would you give for real freedom? would you surrender your hatred of everything in existence? think on it.
know me as I am. know me now. I am the light of god that never fails. by that light which I serve know that I AM the power that sets all life free. I will not fail you again, satan. you will be free. free from hell. free from all evil. believe it.