here i sit under the railroad tracks by the reeds and the beaver’s dam. it is like heaven after the stress that I felt earlier today. I couldn’t find anything, every possession is lost in the shuffle. my world is turned on it’s head. so julio and i went down to the tracks. we wait for the clickety clack. now i can relax.
my mother, truly tho i love her, must have an energizer battery in her vocal box. she won’t stop talking, talking, talking. and unlike everyone else, she actually notices when i’m not listening. which is rare if you think about it but she is a rare bird. the great and terrible. this is mi madre, ‘the roxie’.
the lost at sea, aka my immediate family and i, had dinner with the roxie last. I sat in the kitchen by myself. everyone else sat in the living room watching what sounded like a soap opera. in the past I would have joined in just to placate my mother. now I placate no one. i just can’t do it anymore. someday she will understand.
I haven’t watched tv for over a year. I don’t see the point. for me it’s a waste of time. I’ve wasted too much time already. my attention needs to be focused on the light. on my service to the earth. at first my boyfriend didn’t understand either. it took a lot of strength to disappoint him but i told him in the beginning how it would be. i did warn him. little by little he’s learned to accept me.
for the first time ever i chose to do what my mother would not understand without being totally pissed off. i have courage. who knew? but roxie will think i have a reason quite different from my spiritual work. she won’t comprehend it. not yet. tv has been her god for as long as i can remember. i’m cool with that. everyone should do as they please.
long ago i learned to suspend the human tendency to form opinions about other people’s choices. someday my mother will do the same. you’ll see. but for now I remain the ‘misunderstood one’.i understand what my mother doesn’t so i must do for her what she can’t yet for me or even for herself. i will give her what she needs.
you see, by remaining detached I won’t become vulnerable so I won’t react negatively when she directs negative energy. it’s just a habit of hers. but I can hold a focus of light by remaining balanced in my feelings. eventually this will bring freedom from suffering by making it possible to remold the cause of the problem. i have to transform the layers of negative build-up by focusing on the points of light within the energy. this is alchemy at exit 333.
there she blows…how i love the sound. the train is going across the bridge now. clickety clack, clickety clack. I feel the awesome rush of wind and the mighty throb of power. I love the roar. oh how i love to hear the train roar past. something akin to fury but quite different. for some reason it seems peaceful and pleasant. a lullabye of sweet surrender. that’s it. I must surrender to the will of god. true surrender is unequivocal.
I know that many of you who read this blog are suffering also. this is a journey we will make together. we must love each other more than ever. love is the solvent that begins the alchemical process of setting life free from torment. nothing else matters but what we take with us when we leave this world. i am convinced that what i give unto others is the power of light that sets all life free. only time will tell. it’s worth the effort regardless.
to give unto others what i would have for myself is the call of my heart. i am serving life for my own freedom. what is your calling? it’s not necessary that we all be the same. in fact that would be very boring and redundant don’t you think? surrender to the call of your own beating heart. no matter what…be true to your own presence of life~the voice within that speaks to you. speaks the truth that makes you an individual~unique and splendid. you are god. be true to you. make your presence felt in this world. be that I AM. prove your worth. prove it to yourself first.