it’s been a while since i put up a post. i’ve been letting go of everything i have ever wanted. little by little i’m letting go. when the blade goes to the bone you find out who you are from deep inside. this is where you find out what you are made of. you discover what really matters and how to make the most of every moment. i recorded this on a very windy night. it touched me when i watched it so i thought it might touch you also. this is the beginning of a new journey for me. it is the becoming…the becoming of me into the person i was always meant to be. may you become your true self also. may you become all you have ever dreamed of becoming. may your every call be answered.
well, now I’ve done it. I wrote the truth. maybe not the whole truth but way too much truth according to some…
I will hang from the gallows if they have their way. wouldn’t bother me but for my kid. for her I stand when I can’t find any other reason to stand. why? because she saved my life when no one else could have.
my father, charles, is hurt or pissed or both. I wrote about him in one of my posts. this was the only place where I had yet to be told that i was out of line. I’ve been told that since forever. I may as well just get used to being labeled ‘bitch’. straight up. it’s good for the character i reckon.
charles is the greatest teacher I have ever had. great teachers are usually great big characters with egos to match. but charles is special. I knew how special he was even before he knew it. i respect my father beyond any other person i’ve ever met. I always have. more so now than ever.
I wonder when will I graduate from this school of ‘stand down, you traitorous villain’…
my father used to say that I would have been hung like a traitor if I had lived in the days of the gallows. works for me. don’t care much for this world anyway. but I shall trudge on and finish the job. I will finish what I started. for the daughter, the father, the mothers and the neglected boyfriend. for them I will be strong.
if I should go down to my last breath I know that I will do what has never been done. i will be the guard. i am come to reverse the centuries old curse. whatever it takes I will turn it around before the long train hits town.
let them stone me, kick me, shoot me, cut me into pieces, raise me from death and do it 1000 times more. they would do it just for the hell of it. we love torture around here. it’s good for the character.
to the end I will be the guard. a flaming shield that will stop what would kill again. hell hath fury only when it is left without hope. hope is all I have left. this hope I give unto you, Lord Charles, for you have always given me the toughest lessons. the lessons I needed the most. by your hand i am the strongest soldier you have. you know it’s true.
for you, charles, I will face the fury of hell. even unto the end. it has begun. at last the end is at hand. finally. ready, set, i will take every blow like a man. i am the guard that i am.
here comes the father, here comes the son, the first lord of the new day is ready to roll away the stone. this is it. suit up for the blaze. time to play the song to which the children will dance along…the long train comes for those wings of light, father. you promised.
it comes to the kingdom that rises from this your land. this land of yours is my last home on earth. but only until i leave this world. it won’t be long now. can you hear the whistle blow? the long train is coming home. it’s coming home to you, Lord Charles.
here I am out in the open fields of my wonderful ‘even better than colonel’s house’ prayer room…
I have this feeling that I’m not supposed to be here. that I should be doing something else. anything else. but what?
well, anything that keeps me away from doing what I need to be doing by being right here where I belong where i perform the rite of spring.
it’s not that I intend to be here all day. but I need to start the day right. I’ve worked non-stop since I got here. I work to get settled, I work to make money, I work for what is necessary. i work for everyone that i love. it’s not like I’m lazy ass bum…far from it.
nevertheless, roxie is mad at me again. that’s my mom, ‘roxie’. she loves me but she doesn’t like me either. she criticizes me with a vengeance.
I make no effort to please her except by the will of god. I listen to the voice of source. for the first time in my life I have been obedient to that voice. naturally roxie is pissed. she’s not used to that. i usually bow by now.
I questioned myself. maybe I’m wrong. second guessing myself is second nature. finally I asked god about it. he said to stand strong. he said that anyone who would truly know me would not be angry with me.
I agree. I just want to make sure I’m doing what’s right. you see, this is what has always taken me down. in the past I would have tried to do something, anything, to make my mom see that I’m not a worthless piece of shit.
many, many times have I turned my back on the voice of god to please a human. I have wasted my entire life trying to win the love, respect, and acceptance of the humanity on this planet. with that I am finished.
I ain’t selling out ever again. never. I know someday my mother will see the light. I know that with all my heart. but not if I bow down and give in to the darkness that controls her like a puppet. this darkness that makes her view me with darkened understanding. enough already.
by god I know who I am. I will stand firm. like the rock of gibraltar. no matter what. I will do what I must. I will be there for my mother when the darkness comes again. I will live my life as god intends. I will stand strong and face the devil that dares to oppress the freedom to be.
satan, oh, satan. you have no power. you have no power except the power that I give to you. so stand down, you little tyrant and shut the fuck up . I am master of my world. your days of leading the charge are over.
would thou be free? would thou be free by the light of god that sets all life free? would you be free, satan? what would you give for real freedom? would you surrender your hatred of everything in existence? think on it.
know me as I am. know me now. I am the light of god that never fails. by that light which I serve know that I AM the power that sets all life free. I will not fail you again, satan. you will be free. free from hell. free from all evil. believe it.
sometimes i think that i might not make it. after all i’ve crashed this bitch more times than i care to count. but maybe it was all just training. maybe i needed all those lessons. obviously i needed something.
i’ve learned to tell source exactly what i feel and exactly what i feel i need. that doesn’t mean that i get a free pass. source and i have tossed it back and forth. we both have valid points.
i discovered that source is very willing to work out a solution for an issue before it becomes a nuclear fallout. every time that i’ve been condemned to death for some really big boo boo source was there to bail me out.
yes, i had to fulfill a few simple requirements. but nothing too big. especially compared to damnation. so, then why not talk to source about our tendency to be bad before it gets us in the shit pit?
i used to hide away from source for days and weeks on end when i knew i was screwing up. but what’s the definition of a screw-up? what’s the point of free will if we don’t screw shit up?
how much do we learn when we don’t have to fix what we’ve broken? how much do we know if we don’t know how to govern the dynamics of existence by being allowed to experiment?
nothing we do is bad so long as we stand toe to toe with source. why can’t we include source in all pf our choices? it’s not like source is going to stop us or disown us or any of that stuff.
source will always be there to give us what we need so long as we remember to keep source in the game right there beside us. there can be no separation if we want to be happy and free.
united we stand and divided we fall. why is that?
because there can only be one. the all-one. the one in all. it’s time to play this game to win. its time to put source back in the game, on the frontline and in the pits.
don’t you know who has your back? it’s the one who beats your heart. it’s the big, bad god within you, my friend. it is the presence of life within every man woman and child on this planet.
here i sit under the railroad tracks by the reeds and the beaver’s dam. it is like heaven after the stress that I felt earlier today. I couldn’t find anything, every possession is lost in the shuffle. my world is turned on it’s head. so julio and i went down to the tracks. we wait for the clickety clack. now i can relax.
my mother, truly tho i love her, must have an energizer battery in her vocal box. she won’t stop talking, talking, talking. and unlike everyone else, she actually notices when i’m not listening. which is rare if you think about it but she is a rare bird. the great and terrible. this is mi madre, ‘the roxie’.
the lost at sea, aka my immediate family and i, had dinner with the roxie last. I sat in the kitchen by myself. everyone else sat in the living room watching what sounded like a soap opera. in the past I would have joined in just to placate my mother. now I placate no one. i just can’t do it anymore. someday she will understand.
I haven’t watched tv for over a year. I don’t see the point. for me it’s a waste of time. I’ve wasted too much time already. my attention needs to be focused on the light. on my service to the earth. at first my boyfriend didn’t understand either. it took a lot of strength to disappoint him but i told him in the beginning how it would be. i did warn him. little by little he’s learned to accept me.
for the first time ever i chose to do what my mother would not understand without being totally pissed off. i have courage. who knew? but roxie will think i have a reason quite different from my spiritual work. she won’t comprehend it. not yet. tv has been her god for as long as i can remember. i’m cool with that. everyone should do as they please.
long ago i learned to suspend the human tendency to form opinions about other people’s choices. someday my mother will do the same. you’ll see. but for now I remain the ‘misunderstood one’.i understand what my mother doesn’t so i must do for her what she can’t yet for me or even for herself. i will give her what she needs.
you see, by remaining detached I won’t become vulnerable so I won’t react negatively when she directs negative energy. it’s just a habit of hers. but I can hold a focus of light by remaining balanced in my feelings. eventually this will bring freedom from suffering by making it possible to remold the cause of the problem. i have to transform the layers of negative build-up by focusing on the points of light within the energy. this is alchemy at exit 333.
there she blows…how i love the sound. the train is going across the bridge now. clickety clack, clickety clack. I feel the awesome rush of wind and the mighty throb of power. I love the roar. oh how i love to hear the train roar past. something akin to fury but quite different. for some reason it seems peaceful and pleasant. a lullabye of sweet surrender. that’s it. I must surrender to the will of god. true surrender is unequivocal.
I know that many of you who read this blog are suffering also. this is a journey we will make together. we must love each other more than ever. love is the solvent that begins the alchemical process of setting life free from torment. nothing else matters but what we take with us when we leave this world. i am convinced that what i give unto others is the power of light that sets all life free. only time will tell. it’s worth the effort regardless.
to give unto others what i would have for myself is the call of my heart. i am serving life for my own freedom. what is your calling? it’s not necessary that we all be the same. in fact that would be very boring and redundant don’t you think? surrender to the call of your own beating heart. no matter what…be true to your own presence of life~the voice within that speaks to you. speaks the truth that makes you an individual~unique and splendid. you are god. be true to you. make your presence felt in this world. be that I AM. prove your worth. prove it to yourself first.
for some reason I feel like crying but I won’t because it would be a waste of energy. I need to get to the bottom of this issue. I need to get a grip on the kraken within. I never thought the day would come when I’d be in this position. but nothing in this lifetime has turned out as planned.
well, that’s not entirely true. I just thought I’d have better a handle on it by now. I guess figured I’d be invincible. the plan has always been the same but the details are different from the original pattern. there have been numerous contingencies due to my daredevil attitude. I guess I like being a masochist. enough already.
I have to stay the course even as the dragons come out with the intent to devour my ass. I won’t get upset. I won’t get upset. I won’t get upset. no I won’t. don’t lose your temper, zorra. stay focused. turn to the presence of life within. ask for directions. you owe your first allegiance to god and none other. remember this always.
everything depends on my ability to control my temper. everything depends on where I put my attention. how do I keep my cool? how will I ever be true to my vows? easier said than done is always the way of it. and why is that? nothing worth having is ever easy. who wrote these rules anyway??? they fucking suck. ok. whatever. I am grateful. in spite of it all, yes, I am grateful.
be still, thou kraken within, be still. know you not that I AM your master??? now shut up, sit down and count to 10 million. speak not from your ego but speak as i speak from within. feel not but that which you feel when we have become all-one for the one in all. be as I AM that others may know you also.
well, I found my prayer room. only it’s not a room. it’s out in the rural prairie land that i once called home. it has been waiting for me since the day I left. this is the place where my daughter was conceived. this is the place where I first met death.
this land where i now sit is adjacent to the land that my parents own. my first love, my daughter’s father, is long gone. rumored to be dead. all houses burned to the ground in the last family war. this is my childhood stomping ground.
my parents are divorced. their 40 year marriage didn’t survive the last days of my grandmother’s tormented life. she lived in the mother-in-law house. it was built in 1999, the same year I became pregnant.
ironically, her house sits on the exact spot where my parents divided the land. they didn’t want to see each other more than necessary. less blood would be spilled this way or so they said. so why not just get away from each other?
my parents never wanted to sell the place. but neither was willing to let go. together they wrote the book on strangely stubborn eccentric behaviorism. mom holds the north end of the property. my dad mans the south.
my mother’s name is roxie. she has 500 cats. or something like that. my dad’s name is charles. he is very eccentric with a beautiful and spoiled new wife in tow. her name is blondie. he says she is worse than my mother. no comment from this corner.
I find myself trying to escape as much as possible. after my grandmother died I was given half of the mother-in-law house. I always did like that little house. it was cute and cozy. now its starting to decay.
for a while it was home to a pair of king snakes. then the rats took over. my parents ran off the snakes and exterminated the rats. sometimes my parents still work together. until blondie starts yelling about it.
roxie likes to yell too. she and blondie love swinging their battle axes around. they aim at me, my dad, and the cats. mom and blondie have a lot in common. they make for good target practice.
for some reason my dad has gone half crazy. people say that I’m just like him. I don’t know about that but I do like him. except when he’s being an asshole. but mostly he’s real cool. kind of out there tho. maybe I am like him after all…
so why did I come back here, to this place where the war never ends? I’m an idiot. but that’s’ not why I came back. they need me and I need a place to sleep. they think I’m about to go over the edge. they don’t know how many times I’ve come back from the edge…
as for roxie, charles and blondie…now they’re totally over the edge. so far gone they don’t even know where the edge went or that it even existed. then again, you never know. maybe I’m the one who’s totally lost. time will tell. it always does.
nevertheless, this is where I will perform the rite of spring…it’s necessary for the harvest to out manifest this season. I wonder if I will survive to see the harvest…
what a deal. thank you, god. thank you very much. here i am, back in hell again. yay me. welcome home, haelrazor. fasten your seatbelt. this ride has only just begun. it’s time to make all things right again. or so it has been said.
it’s time to do what’s never been done. it’s time to open the door. it’s time to take the hinges off. never again will this door be shut. it’s time to make heaven and hell all-one. all aboard. this is the long train back home. are you ready for it?