i had a bonfire about two weeks ago. right here in the middle of town. i didn’t even remember that i was doing something illegal until the fire was nearly burned out. nobody said anything. there wasn’t much smoke anyway. i was so far gone i didn’t think of anything but burning all ties to the past. i had hoped that it would alleviate the pain. it did. for a while.
i remember when colonel died. i mourned for a long, long time. at first i thought i mourned over my lost job and the income that came along with it. then i got another better paying job. i discovered i felt exactly the same. i was grateful to know that i was mourning for the loss of my friend rather than over the departure of his pile of money.
money means very little to me except as it is useful for paying the bills. colonel always said that all women were prostitutes. and stupid. believe or not i never liked the son of a bitch so i never missed an opportunity to set him straight. the only thing that saved his life was the fact that he was a gentleman. but he never could figure out why i wouldn’t sleep with him.
that’s pretty simple. i wasn’t in love him. and it wasn’t the age difference. i wouldn’t have fallen for him even if he had been my age. he wasn’t my type. i only have sex for love. no amount of money is worth it. not even a million dollars for just one night. forget about it. but i did love him. he was interesting and full of incredible stories.
everyone thought i was a gold digger because i would spend time with him after work. i have always enjoyed the company of my elders. they have something of value to say. unlike people my own age. the thing that won his family over was when they discovered that i never touched the money. i remember the moment of silence. priceless.
i was never tempted altho i was surprised to find out how much he was receiving in retirement pay. i never felt guilty about that 2 grand a month again. towards the end i had to write my own check and wait for him to stop growling long enough for him to sign the damn thing. by then his money was his teddy bear.
i burned all of the pictures of him that i had treasured after his death. all except one. it just happened to fall out of the pile as i was throwing it on the fire. i burned half the pictures on my prayer wall too. i was letting go of the past and remembering the lessons i had learned.
the sale of the house is the best lesson i’ve had in years. it has taken me down to the bone. may the blood flow until the poison is gone. now i will see what i am made of. can i walk the talk of one who never gives up? time will tell.
but i’ve forgotten how to tell time. that’s old school. besides, i already know that the light of god never fails. may i always remember that in the days to come…