I did it. i said goodbye. i stayed up all night while the wind howled like a banshee. spooky and familiar. i howled too. yes I did. at first the emptiness was almost unbearable. I cried until I felt nothing. then the peace came. it always comes…
everyone else had gone on ahead. there was still more work that waited to be done. more work than I’d figured. I wanted to leave the house clean. no trash or excess baggage. everything needed to be left in order. this was my closure.
I watched the sun rise from the east windows. I had washed those windows a week before. after the sunrise I washed the rest of the windows. as i was finishing up on the last window i had a revelation.
suddenly I understood why i had felt such devastation about leaving the house. my precious. my best friend. my home. all at once I knew what I needed to do. the time had come. i am a graduate. i must now practice what i have learned.
it was in that house that I first began to learn to perform the rite of spring. in that house I bought my first ipod from apple.com. in that house I became who I am now as opposed to what people thought I should be. in that house I found me.
I spent the darkest hours of my life in that house. that house became my companion. as the day of leaving drew closer I experienced involuntary flashes of memory. I wonder if that’s what it’s like when we die. a life flashing before our eyes….bittersweet, perfectly painful and worthy of remembrance.
I spoke to the house and then I remembered the colonel’s wife, Mary. she died many years ago. long before I moved into the house as a servant. she died before I could say goodbye. for her I served the colonel. for her I became a better person.
I was always amazed at being allowed to stay in that house for so long. against all the odds. it was seemed like a miracle and it was. I am so grateful to all those who made it possible. I will never see that house again unless it be by the will of god.
all i need now is to remember…to remember to BE…to ALWAYS BE what I have become. I was given the chance to discover who I am. no matter what anyone thinks or says, I am and i will always be the light of god that never fails. you are that light also. remember?
i’ve started to go outside to do my prayer dance. last week i had the strong feeling that i needed to set the routine of going outdoors when performing my daily rites. probably because of the move. i won’t have this prayer room after next weekend so i guess i’d better build the momentum right where i stand. which could be anywhere once i leave this place behind.
the wind is blowing like a banshee today. i don’t really mind the wind, in fact, i rather enjoy it. but right now it seems kind of ominous but that’s just me gettin’ the jitters. of course there is always the boogie man and dracula to watch for but they don’t scare me anymore than i scare myself.
i woke up yesterday to see satan standing by my bed. i suddenly knew why all of this is happening. it’s not a bad thing. it’s a duality. it can go either way depending on the choices i make. satan has to work against me cuz that’s how he’s wired but deep down he knows that if i lose this battle then he loses this battle. that’s not an option. on this one count we can agree.
i’v changed my attitude about the blood and guts of it all. i never liked blood and guts anyhow. life is not a battlefield. it’s how we feel about our challenge that creates the battle. so i’m going to learn to relax, take a deep breath and shake off the monkeys that think i’m their personal beast of burden. i ain’t nobody’s bitch. not even my own bitch. but first i have to silence the bitch within.
i’m doing this for everyone. especially satan. what i do for him i do for us all because he is our tormentor. we are his only hope. so he won’t let up until we finish the job. did you know that satan is homeless? kind of sad. really sad. now i understand why he’s so unhappy. i’m going to do my best to make a difference. for satan, for you, for me, for everyone.
come rain or shine i will dance and sing the song of elohim right where i stand. it’s a good day to be strong and lighten the load. the road is waiting to take us back home. it’s been a long time coming. may we have the strength to carry on. may we have the grace to keep the attitude of gratitude even in midst of hell.
i had a bonfire about two weeks ago. right here in the middle of town. i didn’t even remember that i was doing something illegal until the fire was nearly burned out. nobody said anything. there wasn’t much smoke anyway. i was so far gone i didn’t think of anything but burning all ties to the past. i had hoped that it would alleviate the pain. it did. for a while.
i remember when colonel died. i mourned for a long, long time. at first i thought i mourned over my lost job and the income that came along with it. then i got another better paying job. i discovered i felt exactly the same. i was grateful to know that i was mourning for the loss of my friend rather than over the departure of his pile of money.
money means very little to me except as it is useful for paying the bills. colonel always said that all women were prostitutes. and stupid. believe or not i never liked the son of a bitch so i never missed an opportunity to set him straight. the only thing that saved his life was the fact that he was a gentleman. but he never could figure out why i wouldn’t sleep with him.
that’s pretty simple. i wasn’t in love him. and it wasn’t the age difference. i wouldn’t have fallen for him even if he had been my age. he wasn’t my type. i only have sex for love. no amount of money is worth it. not even a million dollars for just one night. forget about it. but i did love him. he was interesting and full of incredible stories.
everyone thought i was a gold digger because i would spend time with him after work. i have always enjoyed the company of my elders. they have something of value to say. unlike people my own age. the thing that won his family over was when they discovered that i never touched the money. i remember the moment of silence. priceless.
i was never tempted altho i was surprised to find out how much he was receiving in retirement pay. i never felt guilty about that 2 grand a month again. towards the end i had to write my own check and wait for him to stop growling long enough for him to sign the damn thing. by then his money was his teddy bear.
i burned all of the pictures of him that i had treasured after his death. all except one. it just happened to fall out of the pile as i was throwing it on the fire. i burned half the pictures on my prayer wall too. i was letting go of the past and remembering the lessons i had learned.
the sale of the house is the best lesson i’ve had in years. it has taken me down to the bone. may the blood flow until the poison is gone. now i will see what i am made of. can i walk the talk of one who never gives up? time will tell.
but i’ve forgotten how to tell time. that’s old school. besides, i already know that the light of god never fails. may i always remember that in the days to come…
i went for a walk today. i was supposed to be packing or doing something other than being happy. i decided to live instead. i have to move out my house. well, it’s not my house but it has been my home for the last seven years. i love this house. my best friend lived here. he died here too. i was with him until his last breath. now i must say goodbye all over again.
this house sold in 07. twice. apparently it wasn’t meant to be. i would have bought this house myself but that wasn’t meant to be either. i promised myself that i would move out if they put it up for sale again. realtors and buyers ruin the ambience.
i found out that i had to leave 7 weeks ago. i buried my head in the sand for two weeks because i couldn’t bear the pain. i knew i had to let it sink in very slowly or i might slip over the edge. after two weeks i started packing but only in really short spurts. the pain kept creeping up. it’s been the vivisection of my heart and soul. shut down is a good method of coming to terms. works for me.
now i’m into it full steam. i cry everyday. i say goodbye in many ways. i let go. i let go again. i’m so grateful to have been here for all these years. i thank god that i was given the opportunity to call this place my home. may god give me the strength and wisdom to move forward with a grace that always knows my home wherever I AM.