i had a minor meltdown this week. minor means that there’s no long term damage. at least none that i can see thus far. in fact, i actually learned something really important this time. but the lesson hurts like hell…
up until i was about 16 years old my mom and i fought like cats and dogs. i used to hate her. i mean there were times when i literally hated her. then one day i felt so much rage that i imagined myself hitting her in the face with a hot skillet.
yeah, i was that mad. that is until my mind’s eye played a little trick on me…and i watched half of her face melt off.
instantly i was shocked back into sanity. no fucking way! i would never hurt my mom like that. no matter how mad she made me. not ever! i swore to God almighty that i would never hate her again.
and i never have. it’s been almost thirty years and not once since that long ago day have i wanted to kill her. altho she has made me want to kill myself on more than one occasion. and that’s the problem.
she just can’t seem to be nice to me no matter how hard i try to earn her love. so i’m not going to try anymore. which means that i have to change how i am with her in order to protect myself.
and that’s going to be really hard because i love her. i know she will be hurt and angry. but i can’t be hurt anymore either. and i can’t afford to get angry again. i am at the end of the road. i have no other choice…
i love you, mom. i always have and i always will. maybe someday you will feel the same. but until then i will turn away and be no more the daughter you never wanted. this is gonna be tough…for both of us.