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O’Mother Where Art Thou Pt.2

it’s taken me my entire life to figure how to do what is that i must do if i would know peace before i leave this world. all i want is to know that i’ve done what needs to done.

when all  is said and done in a manner that’s the best i’ve ever done i will no longer be afraid of death. after all there is no such thing. i am determined. i will leave nothing unfinished.

i want to be absolutely certain that i won’t come back. i will not feel like i’ve felt in this life ever again. i’d rather not even exist. not for anything in the universe would i do this again.

i imagine my mother must feel pretty much the same. she can’t even tell just how far gone she is but i can see that she’s not even there anymore.

there will be no double tap for my mama gone zombie. not on my watch. i need to fulfill my promise to her as soon as possible…

i once told her i’d take care of her for life. then i watched as she became a slave to her own mother because she didn’t have the strength to be true to herself while in service to another.

now i have to break the cycle without breaking my mother’s heart or allowing myself to be broken in process. yea, every demand  must be understood before it can be answered.

the challenge to live and live free begins…may peace keep us when we are naught what peace would have of us. in christ jesus’ name, so be it.

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Don’t Punk a Bitch With a Mission

i had a fist fight with my boss today. now i’m the boss. tough job but somebody’s got to do it. might as well be the one who is willing to go the extra mile just to prove that it can be done.
this fellow that i work for is just like me~fallen but good. that’s why he was sent my way. by helping him i help myself. that’s if we don’t kill each other first. it’s an option by default~not a real choice.
not long ago i had to get over hating his guts. during our last brawl he said some obnoxiously rude shit to me. then he tried to muscle me with an intimidation tactic. i won that match too.
but only because i realized that i needed to do better and be better than ever before. he’s worth it. so am i. he’s the best boss i’ve ever had. so i’m gonna do what needs to be done so we can both be free from sorrow.
this is for michael, sheila, and mary…the three meant to work as one. i know what to do now. so hold on. it won’t be long. i never leave a job undone. are you ready to go home? all aboard. tomorrow is already gone.

dog day afternoon

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O’Mother Where Art Thou Pt.1

i had a minor meltdown this week. minor means that there’s no long term damage. at least none that i can see thus far. in fact, i actually learned something really important this time. but the lesson hurts like hell…
up until i was about 16 years old my mom and i fought like cats and dogs. i used to hate her. i mean there were times when i literally hated her. then one day i felt so much rage that i imagined myself hitting her in the face with a hot skillet.
yeah, i was that mad. that is until my mind’s eye played a little trick on me…and i watched half of her face melt off.
instantly i was shocked back into sanity. no fucking way! i would never hurt my mom like that. no matter how mad she made me. not ever! i swore to God almighty that i would never hate her again.
and i never have. it’s been almost thirty years and not once since that long ago day have i wanted to kill her. altho she has made me want to kill myself on more than one occasion. and that’s the problem.
she just can’t seem to be nice to me no matter how hard i try to earn her love. so i’m not going to try anymore. which means that i have to change how i am with her in order to protect myself.
and that’s going to be really hard because i love her. i know she will be hurt and angry. but i can’t be hurt anymore either. and i can’t afford to get angry again. i am at the end of the road. i have no other choice…
i love you, mom. i always have and i always will. maybe someday you will feel the same. but until then i will turn away and be no more the daughter you never wanted. this is gonna be tough…for both of us.

2011-06-08 09-32-52.988

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The Voice of the Silence

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An excerpt from the Voice of the Silence by H.P. Blavatsky

He who would hear the voice of the Nada, the “Soundless Sound”, and comprehend it, he has to learn the nature of Dharana.
Having become indifferent to objects of perception, the pupil must seek out the Rajah of the senses, the Thought-Producer, he who awakes illusion.
The Mind is the great Slayer of the Real.
Let the Disciple slay the Slayer.
For…
When to himself his form appears unreal, as do on waking all the forms he sees in dreams;
When he has ceased to hear the many, he may discern the ONE – the inner sound which kills the outer.
Then only, not till then, shall he forsake the region of Asat, the false, to come unto the realm of Sat, the true.
Before the Soul can see, the Harmony within must be attained, and fleshly eyes be rendered blind to all illusion.
Before the Soul can hear, the image (man) has to become as deaf to roarings as to whispers, to cries of bellowing elephants as the silvery buzzing of the golden fire-fly.
Before the Soul can comprehend and may remember, she must unto the Silent Speaker be united, just as the form to which the clay is modelled is first united with the potter’s mind.
For then the Soul will hear, and will remember.
And then to the inner ear will speak-
The VOICE OF THE SILENCE
H.P.B The Golden Book of Precepts
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The UnBroken

typically i won’t tell anyone about my problems. i guess i don’t want to weigh others down. i also know that they really can’t help me much so i don’t see the point.
but lately i have had my prayers answered by receiving confirmation from another about a situation that has very nearly ripped my heart to shreds.
this would be the third round.  i am done with this gun to my head. instinctively i know that there is something amiss in that which seems fair enough to some…but not fair enough to fool me again.
it’s hard being true to myself. i can’t tell you how many times i have sold out. i never used to be like that. when i was young i had nothing to lose so i didn’t back down from my convictions regardless of anyone’s opinion.
i tried it their way. it doesn’t work. we are not meant to live by other people’s demands, opinions, and manipulations. so im gonna be me…no matter what. right to the end. i have too much to lose by giving in.
i have everything to lose if i back down to fear. never again. this time i will stand. by God i will stand. i will continue on…with or without your love. i owe it to myself. I will never be broken again…

the sorrow

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The Dwelling

if you dwell in silence long enough i will come

if you dwell in silence long enough you will know my song

if you dwell in silence long enough i will open the door

if you dwell in silence long enough fear will be gone

if you dwell in silence long enough you’ll know a reason to smile

if you dwell in silence long enough you will become as a child

wouldn’t you like to feel like that again?

to feel my presence all around and within

as you did in the days before torment invaded your life

a life which is also my life

when will you dwell with me again?

dwell in the silence where I AM

the busy world won’t miss you

they will not miss you

not like i do

the

empty

world remains

ever empty

dwelling without living

won’t you dwell with me instead?

won’t you dwell with me?

dwell with me

in silence

where

life

begins

begins all-one

all-one again

I AM

Sacred Pictures 075

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The Nothing

the proposal

Seek not to serve the need of one

except as thru that one ye may serve

serve by conscious intent

a purpose

a purpose for the One in All.

how do i then become as the ONE,

serving not just the one

but the One in all?

Remain thou wholly undivided,

complete with indifference

indifference to all need

 the need that gratifies the lusting

the lusting mundane

the mundane consciousness

 seeking…

seeking all…

seeking you…

only to use…

leaving nothing of use

nothing

nothing for the One in All.

Just Do It Already

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Despair Not

there is nothing worth having that does not require effort to be had.

it is thru effort that one realizes value.

therefore despair not at the magnitude of effort.

if great be the effort…

great is the worth that waits to be had.