THIS IS THE YEAR OF OUR LORD
NEW YEAR’S DAY 20/20
IT IS FINISHED!!!
Come one, come all, to the home of the ‘F**k Ups R’Us Simulation Program’.
Welcome to the universally infamous ‘Dark Star’ where the experiment with misery (commonly known as free will) gleefully destroyed every particle of life with which it came into contact…
This is the reason (BRILLIANT!) that God allowed the benighted people of poor dear planet Earth to continue to exist and wreck havoc for 2000 millenia.
(Well, of course He had a good reason. It wasn’t just His diabolical sense of humor, you know)
Step into the all new simulation experience that will virtually tear your ass to shreds! Courtesy of Hellraiser Enterprises.
It’s better than Hollywood! It’s better than sex on laughing gas!! Hey, it’s even better than kicking Pinhead‘s ass for not taking out the garbage!!!
We offer the thrill of unimaginable horror, far, far beyond all horrors ever known in any galaxy ever born…
This is the one, this the only virtual reality war, mutilation, and death simulation program where you get ‘To BE the Devil’!
NO RESTRICTIONS APPLY-
IN REGARDS TO THE SEVERITY OF MISERY AND TORMENT INFLICTED UPON PARTICIPANTS. ALL EFFECTS SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO CAUSE PROLONGED AND UNIMAGINABLY PAINFUL EXPERIMENTATION AT PARTICIPANTS’ EXPENSE. SIDE EFFECTS MAY RIP A HOLE THROUGH PARTICIPANTS’ (ENVELOPE). NO SEAT BELTS ALLOWED. GUARANTEED TO CAUSE IRREVERSIBLE SHOCK RESULTING IN ETERNAL OBEDIENCE. MANDATORY REQUIREMENT FOR EACH AND EVERY ‘FREE WILL’ APPLICANT IN THE UNIVERSE. ALL SALES ARE FINAL.